All these Facebook peoples, I say.

FB is a great place to stay in touch with your friends and relatives.

In fact, FB has become an integral part of my life, especially since I found most of my ‘BFFs’ from my school and college days and started socializing with them. In the last 1500 odd days since I moved on to FB from Orkut, I have made many friends, some of whom are related to me, and some others who are linked to my past life in some or the other way. 

This is my analysis of the 10 types of people they have ultimately become:

1.      The Dead People:

They seem to be dormant, but are actually active, very active. They do not interact openly, they do not post anything about themselves nor do they like or comment on your posts, but they are reading everything. They are around; they are watching your every move.  The worst is when you meet them in person; they come up with “I see you all the time on facebook. Very active ahh?”

2.      God’s Agents:

They share religious pictures with the instructions “Like under 10 seconds and get blessed” or “share and experience his holiness”. Most sensible people on FB do not approve of these, but some girls do like and share them anyway, out of fear that their Aunt who has posted this may think that her niece is an atheist and may not help her in finding her NRI groom.

3.      Quote Aunts

They spend their whole day searching for quotes. Every day they share at a minimum ten quotes, most of which are not applicable on them while dealing with their husbands, also, they do not remember sharing these after two days, and so it repeats.

4.      The Day Spoilers

They post all the unwanted stuff and the best you can do to yourself is ‘hide’ their posts. Some of these people post pictures of unwell kids and ask you to like them, some post pictures of gory accidents and missile attacks. Some others try to force their political views up your ass.

5.      Game Worms:

Not satisfied with playing games on their androids and ipads these guys log into FB to play games. What is worse is that they repeatedly keep sending you invitations for games like Farmville, Criminal Case, Train station… blah blah blah.

6.      The News Agents:

They share all sorts of weird and sometimes obvious (like cricket scores and election results) news from here and there and everywhere as soon as it is published on one of the news websites. Some of the news they share is also fake.

Then they have their expert panelist friends, who go to youtube and wiki, do their research and come up with a comment like “Do you remember that match in 1985, at Lords. This knock reminds me of that.”

7.      Religious Advertisers:

They are always on a mission of promoting to the FB junta that their religion is the best, that their scriptures have all the solutions to your problems and that their deities are the most pious of all. Invariably all their post will share a picture about their religion. Apart from posting these pictures, they are also most active on their specific religious FB page.

8.      The Next Gen:

They are the ones who have more than thousand friends on FB. They painstakingly tag each pic of theirs with as many friends as they can. Although I would call them the next generation of FBers, they are pretty old generation in terms of technology awareness. I say so because their comments and posts are full of compressed words. For example, who writes ‘avn woful tym a ma frns BP’ instead of ‘having a wonderful time at my friend’s Birthday Party’. The only reason why they write so is because either they are using their parent’s discarded basic mobile phone or they do not know how to switch on the spell check feature on their system.

9.      The Hot Pie:

Anyone who has secret admirers falls into this category. Age, race, sex do not matter. This could be a young person who posts stylish drool worthy pictures, or could also be that boyfriend/girlfriend you couldn’t have while you were in college. Any damn thing that this person does is almost always liked or commented upon by you.

10.  Useless Buggers:

They are always on FB. They give an impression that they do not have any other work in their workplace. They are all the time chatting with someone or are busy posting waste comments on their friend’s wall, which continues through the day, and even while at home sometimes until very late in the night. 

Some of these people even write blogs on unimportant topics and share it on FB. And then, there are some other Useless Buggers who spend time reading it.

Dude Talk

A very Happy Friendship Day to all of my friends.

Two months back I accepted a friendship request (on Facebook) from a young lad based in Baroda, the town where I had all of my upbringing.  He is a mallu guy and much younger than me. After seeing his profile, I was a bit confused, as I realized that I don’t remember meeting him as a child because even at the age of 18 when I left home for my studies he must have been barely a year old, nevertheless I accepted his request as between us we had four common friends.

Establishing a new acquaintance can very exciting. It opens up a door not just to a new person, but an entirely new world, a new world of thoughts, set notions, do’s and don’ts, theories, way of life, boundaries and what not.  More often than not it leads you to a point where, some you end up looking up to and start idolising, some you identify with yourself and who you want to have in your very own BFF list and some others for whom you develop a sort of aversion and utter disdain. However this guy doesn’t fit in any of the three categories above. In fact I really don’t know where to put him.

I’ve had two chat sessions with him and here’s how they went. Here I am presenting the unabridged, unadulterated, unpolished and undistorted version of both the sessions. Have a good entertaining read.

First Session:

This was on Sunday, 10 June 2012. For all the right reasons, I have just masked his name off. I’ll refer to him as ‘New Friend’

New Friend: hi how are u

I – good

New Friend: were are u

I – office

New Friend: are u in baroda today ur offce working

I – nope. i m in Qatar

New Friend: ok

That was it. It was a Sunday, and the busiest day of the week for me. I went back to work. For him, it was just an ice breaker.

Second Session:

This was on 3 August 2012. It was a Friday, and I had nothing important to do and so, was playing games on my home computer when this session started. In this transcript I have masked the names of both, this guy and me. However, it is not difficult to find out which one I am. Nevertheless, just enjoy the camouflage.

Dude 1 - Hi dude how are u were are u

Dude 2 - I am fine and I am here. Where are you dude?

Dude 1 - were are u dude can u come in gujarat

Dude 2 - Yes dude, I am allowed to enter Gujarat after I complete my banishment term. The current one gets over by July 2013. But why are you asking?

Dude 1 - just for a casual meet dude u stay in gujaart or in kerala dude

Dude 2 - I stay in Qatar, dude. I guess you stay in Gujarat, right dude?

Dude 1 - I stya in gujart dear but had u come everdear u or u come in gujart stay somewere in hotel or in ur relatives place daer

Dude 2 - I stay at my relatives place dear. Where do you stay?

Dude 1 - I stya in baroda dae ok so u dont have afamily in baroda

Dude 2 - no no dear. not anymore dear.

Dude 1 - means dude

Dude 2 - means house is locked dear, but yes relatives are there dude

Dude 1 - ok dude are u planning to come in ocetober dear

Nov I will be shifting to bombay

Dude 2 - Oh no! that is sad dear. Me no come in october dear.

One advice dear. While in bombay.... don't call bombay as bombay.... or Shivsainiks with get angry.... call it as mumbai okay....okay dear?

Dude 1 - october if u were coming thats was fine daer u ca stay with me in october in my house

Dude 2 - thanks dear

but why would you do that?

Dude 1 - means dude

Dude 2 - means offer me a place to stay at your house dear?

Dude 1 - not like that dear if ur realtives not there at october u can syytay with me because my parents they are going to shift on august at mumabi so I will be alsone so I had told u if u dont stya with ur relatives u can stay with me

Dude 2 - Thanks. you are a very generous dude!

Do you have a liquor permit too?

Dude 1 - ya dude dont worry abou that daerwe drinks and dinner togethether and have fun

Dude 2 - what kind of fun are you talking about dude?

Dude 1 - have adrinks nad paty dude

why u had asked me like this

Dude 2 - what is 'nad paty' dude?

Dude 1 - u want anything more also

Dude 2 - what are the offers? dude?

Dude 1 - what u awnt tel me dude

what offers u want

Dude 2 - Oh! my o my.... really?

Dude 1 - ya u will be having nice night with me while we have adrinks and dinner and have some movies also

Dude 2 - I like Margarita, Black Russian and Screwdriver. What do you like?

Dude 1 - I will be having some some beare or some votca

u like to watch a movies

Dude 2 - With Vodka if you add some peaches, cranberry juice and orange juice we could make a nice long one of 'sex on the beach'

by the way that's a cocktail drink

Yes, I watch all types of movies, dude.

Dude 1 - but I drink some votca my mind will be divertying to have some other activies

Dude 2 - what activities?

Dude 1 - my mind go in sex part

Dude 2 - oh ho... so vodka turns you into a sex monster?

Dude 1 - ya dude tel me know wht to do

Dude 2 - ya dude. so what do you do when you get this uncontrollable bout of sex drive?

Dude 1 - I will be doing anything in sex taht I only dont know

Dude 2 - like what dude?

Fear not! Tell openly because 'Darr ke aagey jeet hai'

Dude 1 - that I dont know dude but some ime I will feel to suck hugging kiising everything

Dude 2 - Have you not had a 'One night stand' before?

By the way... that's a drink too - Cognac + Mountain Dew + Orange juice

Dude 1 - one of my frend had came from bombay he is alos akeralite guy I stay with him full night

Dude 2 - so what do you kiss.... things like the table lamp, pillow etc etc or something else?

Dude 1 - whn u drink dude u dont feel to have a sex

something else dear

Dude 2 - don't tell me you have a dog at home! :-P

Dude 1 - means

why u had asked me like this

Dude 2 - what is something else dearhhhh?

Dude 1 - no I am having with fun that guy also who has came from bombay he is a engineer

Dude 2 - Oh! Is he into oil and gas?

Dude 1 - he is a computer engineer

he ahd stay full night with me

ya daer

Dude 2 - Is that why you are going away..... to bombay? tell me dear?

Dude 1 - ya dear we had alot of fun and have aenjoyment nicely

Dude 2 - so you will not be there when I come to baroda?

Dude 1 - whn are u coming dear whn u come i dont have a place

Dude 2 - Oh no!

Dude 1 - plz try dear to come on oct plz

Dude 2 - no dear... I cannot I cannot I cannot.....

Dude 1 - ok so whn u come in baroda u will having a place or u stay in a hotel

Dude 2 - I have your house na dude!

Dude 1 - but taht timemy family there dude

Dude 2 - So what dude?

Dude 1 - u also like to have fun dude

Dude 2 - Yeah I like to have fun to. But my definition of fun is limited to playing tennis, driving, eating good food, watching a movie in the theater, playing with my kids and having a good time with my family.

That reminds me dude, today I am going to watch Jism2. Sunny Leone is my favorite actress.

Do you like her too dude?

Dude 1 - no this kind of fun dear after a drink

Dude 2 - no this kind of fun after a drink dear.

Dude 1 - ok dear but we have a casual meet daer ok bye take care

Dude 2 - where are you going dude.... baat abhi baaki hai.... raat abhi baaki hai..

Dude 1 - I ma not going naywere dude

Dude 2 - then why are you saying bye dude?

Dude 1 - I taught that I am waisting ur time

Dude 2 - No no. You didn't teach me anything new. I am used to wasting my time like this.

Dude 1 - ok tel me are u ready to stya with me at nght and wht we will do in night wht should I want to offer u

Dude 2 - can you be more explicit?

Dude 1 - ya dude

Dude 2 - I asked the question

Dude 1 - means

Dude 2 - What do you like?

Dude 1 - I had told u daer b4 taht I like everything and u

Dude 2 - You are aggravating me now. What is everything man. Can you write it down clearly and explicitly?

Dude 1 - why u want to have afun daer then I will teldde

Dude 2 - Hey dude, something more important has come up. There's Saina Nehwal vs Wang Yihan - Badminton semis on the TV. Can't miss that.

Thanks for the chat though. I had a good time chatting with you.

Dude 1 - I tell wht I like sucking hugging and kissing all

why you had stop in chat in daer I had not told u daer tahs why

sorry daer bye daer after drinks this all things I like

why u are not chatting dude I am going to logout dear

are u busy daer

At the end of this second session, I was feeling good. I had that naughty grin on my face as I had just spent around 75 minutes off my utterly worthless day chatting rubbish with someone I really didn’t know.

After Saina lost her semifinals, I briefly watched some other sport, I think it was Hockey and India was trailing Germany 1-3. I switched off the TV and went back to doing nothing. As I lied there doing nothing, for a moment, I was angry and telling myself “Bloody chutiya, he thinks I am gay!” and was taken over by a sudden bout of hatred towards all gays, and must admit I was even scared because I’d just realized that this is what my lads will be exposed to as they grow up!

I got up, logged into my FB account and started reading the transcript again. From my perspective, it was funny. I was actually screwing around in my own silly sarcastic way, but I realized something more when I looked at this chat from his perspective. He was serious and possibly in pain too. That’s when, in one corner of my room I saw Mr. Maslow sitting there squatting on the floor grinning and mocking at me just like I did after I finished the second session of the chat with this guy.

Sex, like food, water, sleep is one of our basic physiological needs. And if this need is not satisfied, there is no way that one would feel comfortable enough to raise higher and eventually attain self-actualization.  

I believe that everyone has the right to find a sexual partner of his/her choice, weather that partner is a toy or a doll or someone from the same or opposite gender or even if it is an animal, I leave it to the conscience of that person to decide. Anyways, there is nothing wrong if you are doing it within the four walls of your own house and there is absolutely nothing wrong in it as long as you are not forcing any living being to join you in the act.

It’s a shame that this guy had to scrounge the internet for a partner, just like those tharki guys and girls on various chatting and dating sites. And it is sad that he ended up opening up to a guy like me. All I can tell him is that “I am Sorry, I am not that type” and I hope that some smart IT guy develops a platform where LGBTs within the various cities in India can discreetly look for partners. I say discreetly because I know that these things are still not easily accepted in our country. I don’t know maybe, there’s something already available.

Anyways, I only hope and pray that this guy finds a true and compatible lifelong partner of his choice, and if scrounging on the internet like this brings him success, so be it.

I would also like to advise him that when the time comes, he should stand up and say no to his parents when they force him for a ‘regular’ marriage. Please don’t spoil a girl’s life. If you do that, I promise, I’ll definitely come down to Baroda, chop off your lulu and shove it up your own ass.

As I end this blog, I would also like to tender an advance apology to this new friend for posting the transcript as it is without his permission. It is the soul of this blog post, and so I can’t do without posting it here. On my part, I have done the best I could by masking your identity. I sincerely hope that our common friends don’t find out who you are. If they do, let me tell you, this is your life, and you have to stand up for yourself.

Baba on Indian Cricket

Baba Bangali Kadak Guaranteewale, Chawl no 4, Behind Ram Bachan ka Tabela, Kurla (W), recommends the following five to improve India's overseas Cricket results:

1. All boys to wear 'Nazar Suraksha Kavach', which they should display prominently, especially while batting.
2. All boys (esp oldies) to have one capsule of 'Supractiv Complete Man' along with two tablespoons of 'Cinkara' during each drinks session
3. '3g Magnum' to be installed in each boy's tummy. This will increase their mileage by 37%, reduce emission by 45% and boost performance.
4. Offer sweets mixed with 'Jamalgota' to the opponent team before each match.
5. Visit Baba's Meditation and Relaxation Center at Deonar Bakra Mandi and deposit chanda of Rs.500/- or more to collect the guarantee card and to find out the fifth recommendation.

JAI HO BABA KADAK GUARANTEEWALE KI!!