Dil ki choton ne kabhi
chein se rehne na diya
Jab chali sard hava
mei ne tujhe yaad kiya
Excuse
no: 1 - FEAR
It
has become customary in our house that every night after we say our prayers in
the master bedroom, my wife and lads leave to the kid’s room. There my wife
reads a story to the boys, and as soon as the story telling session is done, my
lads run down back to the master bedroom and fling themselves on to the bed,
over me like freestyle wrestlers, pin me down and fight each other to smother
me with good night kisses and wish me sweet dreams.
Usually
during the gap time, when the story telling is happening in the adjacent room,
I am engaged with my iPhone, doing one of the many things, which are; crushing candies, putting words on
scrabble, making raunchy dubsmashes, clicking my semi-nude selfies, watching
Bhojpuri Bhabhi videos or typing crap on whatsapp! Yesterday night, I decided
to do something new.
During
the earlier weekend, I had bought myself a new beard trimmer, and I thought
this was the best time to try it, and so I headed to the bathroom with it.
Few
moments later, as I was working with my beard, I heard my lads run into the
master bedroom and throw themselves on to the bed, laugh loudly at not finding
me and then leave trying to figure my whereabouts. My younger lad Yo though was
a little bit more inquisitive. He decided to peep into the bathroom, and in his
inimitable style, he kicked open the door. He stood there stunned, all agape,
with his eyes as big as mine are when I watch those junglee padosan
videos on YouTube’s Bhojpuri channel, and mouth as big as he usually makes it
when he sees his favorite Tuna Sandwich coming his way.
For
some time, under the backdrop of utter silence that was punctuated with a little creak from the door, droplets of
water trickling down the tap and a faint fart that I ejected, we both stood
there staring into each other; I into his mouth and he on to my chin. There was
a sparkle in his eyes, dimmed by a tear perhaps, which seemed to pose these two
questions: What have you done to yourself? Why have you done this?
I
took a step closer to him, put down the toilet set and sat down on the closet leveraging
my left hand on his right shoulder. He took two baby steps closer to me without
breaking his line of sight from my chin, and I told him the reason in a heavy
hush voice.
“Look
son, I know you loved my beard. I loved it too, but I could not take any
chances. Next week it is bakri eid, and I had to play safe”
Excuse
no: 2 - FREEDOM
Long long
back ago, when people used to live predominantly in the villages, and footwear
was a luxury item, a wise old man once said that “if you want to find
out where all a person has travelled just look under his feet” and that was
true, and still holds true in many cases. On the similar lines, I’d say, that
if you wanted to find out what all a man’s lips have tasted, all you need to do
is check out his beard.
Come
closer and just sniff the beard, and you could make out what toothpaste was
used for brushing his tooth, if he had coffee or tea in the morning, and if the
sandwich that he had from Kauser Cafeteria was cheesy or spicy or both.
If
you do not believe me yet, let me suggest you this test. Go to Old Delhi or Lucknow
or Allahabad or any other such city in UP, and catch hold of any stray mullah walking
around in the street. Chop off a part of his beard and smell it. I bet it would
emanate the scent of the betel leaf masala that he regularly chews, so much
that you could conclude if the mix was Banarasi or Kalkatti or
whatever.
If
you are an experienced paanwallah, I am sure you could just smell the beard
and make out the recipe of the paan with the exact measure of each
condiment of this customer’s liking. I have read somewhere, in some imaginary
ancient book, that this is what exactly some of the connoisseurs in pan chewing
actually do. They just go to the kiosk of their favorite paanwallah and
stand there pointing their bear tips to his nose, and the paanwallah
extracts all the info required. And in some extreme cases, if a person has the
nose of a dog, this scent could also take him to the kiosk of the paanwallah
from where this beard owner had his last chew.
Now,
this is just about a betel leaf, this same thing is applicable to beer, cigarettes,
hookahs and any other unmentionable thing or location where a man loves to put
his lips and tongue.
I
agree that it is difficult for a woman to find out if the beer or hookah was
had at a pub or a friends place, and if the friend was a male or a female, but you
cannot cheat a woman when it comes to the scent of a woman. I hope you
understand what I mean.
So
the question, should a man risk revealing all his secrets just because of this
beard that looks good on him? Or, should he not just leave his chin clean
shaven and live a carefree life above all suspicion?
This
man chose the latter.
Excuse
no: 3- FILTH
After
reading this article, I decided to shave off my beard.
The
truth: MISTAKE!
As
each of the above three header reads, they are nothing but excuses, just simple
excuses. The real reason why I shaved off my beard is that I shaved it off by
mistake. Yes, by mistake. I used the wrong number for blade adjustment and the
wrong side of my new trimmer and so inadvertently shaved off my goatee, leaving
a shaved patch at center of my jaw, and then I had to take this extreme step of
cleaning it off.
I
really feel so naked and unprotected without it.
Stroking
the beard was my favorite accompanying activity during pondering and now I feel
totally at loss of thoughts.
Huh!
All I can do is wait for it to grow back.
So, while
I am waiting, let me use this time well. Let me call the cafeteria to pack me a
take away of my secret cheesy spicy sandwich that I can have on my drive to home. I can always mask its scent by chewing a sorbitol gum. Or, better still, should I call my friends up for a session
of beer, some tequila shots perhaps followed by some hookah and Sex on the Beach. Anybody
coming?
