The other day
I overheard some mallu lads in our local cafeteria talking very excitedly about
something called Air Kerala. For once I thought they were mocking at me,
for I had just passed wind after my sumptuous dinner comprising of Kerala Style
Beef Fry and Parottas, but later found out that they were just discussing about
this new airline that would belong to God’s Own Country.
Wow! We had the
KSRTC wreaking havoc on the roads and the SWTD dodging houseboats, now we’ll
also have Air Kerala to die for! Whoa! That’s some news!
The Cafeteria
owner Shamsukka was really excited and thanked Allahu that now he wouldn’t have
to travel on that wretched Air India Express in which the toilets don’t have even
a mug, the food is awful and the Air Crew doesn’t speak Malayalam. But I had to
intervene and kill his excitement by promptly informing him that none of us
mallus would be travelling by Air Kerala as it wouldn’t be a budget airline. Initially
he didn’t believe me, but later accepted my declaration as he felt that I was
more knowledgeable than him as I wore a tie and preferred to drink bottled
mineral water instead of what he served for free in that typical cafeteria red jug
with white top.
Yes, just
like our most gelf airlines Air Kerala too would be a five star airline but,
with a difference. Here are five specific features that you could expect once
on board:
1.
Welcome Drink
As soon as
you get in expect to be served a large complementary flask full of spicy Sambharam
if you are in the Business Class. For the Economy Class expect a plastic glassful
of warm Karingali Vellam.
2.
That homely feeling
Mallus don’t
like Air Conditioners, and therefore this airline would not have any air
conditioning at all, isn’t that exciting? Each one of us will be provided with
a tiny portable fan that’d let out a squeaking sound reminding us of your very
own fan at home.
And then, as
soon as you finish drinking your Welcome Drink, the crew will come by
distributing free lungis to men and frilled nighties to women. Change into
those and relax, just like you’d do in the porch of your house. What’s more, these
are complementary! So you get to take these along with you to your homes, and
maybe if you are generous, you could also gift it to one of you lesser
fortunate relatives back home. Imagine how proud that aunt of yours would feel
when she goes to drop her kid to the school with this Air Kerala nightie on!
Yes, the
washroom will have a mug and the tap will never run out of water. As a rule,
there will be no tissue napkins; everyone will be allowed to bring their own Torthu.
And there, on the top shelf in the
washroom you’ll also find sufficient supplies of your favourite Ayurvedic soap,
Herbal Fairness Cream and Coconut Hair Oil.
3.
The Food
Unlike the other
airlines that burdened your heart with the guilt of snitching off on board cutlery,
this one will let you leave with a clean heart. They’d provide no cutlery at
all!
Economy Class
passengers would be served limited but, Authentic Kerala Style Oonu on a
Banana leaf. Like every authentic mallu Oonu, this one will also come
with an option; Thani Nadans could go for the mota (boiled) rice
version, whilst the Fraud Mallus could go for the bareek (regular) rice version.
Kids will be served Puttu, Pazham and Pappadams. If you are
travelling Business Class, you’ll get the unlimited version with two extra
glasses of Ada payasam and have the additional options of Kozikodden
Biryani and the Kappa Meen Curry.
Yes, there’d
be an inflight toddy shop too, serving day before yesterday’s pulichha
toddy minus the flies.
4.
The Staff
Imagine
nubile buxom lasses in set mundu strutting down the aisle swaying
their pompous posterior and in the process shaking the whole aircraft as they attend
to their very demanding customers. Imagine you are sitting on the aisle, and one
of them stops by next to you, bending down just enough that her knockers are
just an inch away from your nose, and she pouts her lips just to enquire in pure
Malayalam “Chetta, is everything okay?” or “Can I get you something,
Chetta?” What else could you ask for?
Imagine your
safety instructions being enacted out in pure kalari style by a purebred
mallu lad dressed only in a mundu and nothing else.
5.
Inflight entertainment
Everyone will
be entertained.
Each seat
will have its own LCD screen on which kids will be able to watch the adventures
of Tintumon and Jeeboomba. Women could watch one of the many channels showing
yesterday’s TV serials Kumkumapuvu, Streedhanam, Amma etc
etc whatever they want. And for men who were not done enough with vayanokafying
the Airhostesses, could switch on to the day’s screening of one of Shakeelachechi’s
evergreen movie.
If you are
the reading type, just fish into the airline seat pocket and you’d find copies
of Nana, Mangalam, Manorama and what not.
Yes for any
mallu, Air Kerala would be the airline to fly. And I hope that one day I’d be
able to fly on one of its route and that it doesn’t fizzle off like our other
very famous mallu brand ‘Kochi Tuskers Kerala’
I am sure,
one day I will fly the Air Kerala that is, if the pilots have not gone on
hartal… that is……if….
