Top Five advantages of empowering your wife with a credit card and a car:

5.       She will drive the kids to their extracurricular classes, take them to the doctor/dentist as required and will even drive down to their school and pay their fees without any delay or fine.

4.       She will do all the grocery shopping and ensure that your stocks of drink accompaniments are up to date at all times.

3.       Every other day you return from work, you will find her eyebrows neatly trimmed, face fresh just like it was out of a face pack, hands manicured, feet pedicured and yourself floored, stunned, stumped and what not!

2.       You will be able to drink as much as you want in that late night party, because you can now rely on her for that safe drive back home.

1.      She will deliver you your dabba of fresh hot and tasty food right on your office desk just before lunchtime.

Holi me.

Our elders and our Bollywood movies have told us that Holi is the festival of joy. That Holi breaks all the social norms and barriers of age, gender, status and cast. That on this day, words like polite, well-mannered, refined, cultured, sophisticated, courteous, respectful etc etc are blurred out from the dictionary. That on this day it is acceptable to flirt with (even touch) any girl that meets your eye. That this definition of girl extends to include your sexy middle-aged neighbor, your friend’s curvy wife and also your boss’s bossier wife.

Really?

I’ve just realized that all they said and showed on the screen, all that flirting, teasing and dancing while singing ‘jo jee mein aaye tum aaj kar lo, chaho jisey inn baahon mein bhar lo’ is not entirely true. Look at me, I am the living example of a person who tried this and failed on the Holi day. All that I did was poke a girl on Holi and that too not in real life, but on FB. And, would you like to know what happened next? I got unfriended.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes I got the boot.

I know this news comes as a shocker to you guys, but that is the truth, and since what has happened has happened, and since life should move on, I’d Just ask you to stop staring at the screen agape, shut your mouth and read further.

Well, that was just one FB friend leaving, but I am thankful to the others who stayed, and more importantly those who responded by poking back, which felt great. Indeed, I am touched! Some of you even kept poking back repeatedly, which kept giving me goose-bumps. Some, who thought that liking my status message or posting a comment on it openly was not appropriate, did send me their secret private message. Thanks for that. Now my wife will never know who all I played Holi with! ♥

Sincerely, I am extremely grateful for the pokes, which made my day special, especially since all this happened while I was in the office, faking work and pretending to appear serious in the official meetings. I had my own share of shy smiles hiding behind my computer screen. Thank you.

I have been suffering from allergy induced Asthmatic Bronchitis from a very young age, and therefore, although my palms were ever itching and ready to rub gulal on a few rosy cheeks, my movement on the Holi day was strictly restricted. The only Holi that I ever played was during the four years I spent at CREC. Rest of the years, all that I was allowed to do, was to watch the local lads play Holi from the ramparts of my balcony and of course watch TV as much as I could, which mostly aired Bollywood Holi numbers.

However, times have changed and thanks to technology, I have now found new ways of amusing myself.

I am no more jealous of my friends who can actually play Holi without falling sick.

A few pokes on FB are all that it takes to play Holi, and the best part is that I can play it even with my distant friends.

Thanks to MS Paint, I now also have my very own Holi pic.

 

To make my Holi livelier, all that I had to do was to play a raunchy youtube video on Holi while poking my friends online. Gone are the days of Rang Barse and Aaj na chodenge, here are the top five Holi numbers for this year from my private chart. Just move the cursor over the list and view the song on youtube and enjoy.

5. Khelenge Holi Fevicol Se
4. Bajaave Saare Launde Hai Seeti
3. Lagao Ragad Ke Gulal
2. Faad Di Meri Choli Re
1. Rang Special Layo
 

Air Kerala

The other day I overheard some mallu lads in our local cafeteria talking very excitedly about something called Air Kerala. For once I thought they were mocking at me, for I had just passed wind after my sumptuous dinner comprising of Kerala Style Beef Fry and Parottas, but later found out that they were just discussing about this new airline that would belong to God’s Own Country.

Wow! We had the KSRTC wreaking havoc on the roads and the SWTD dodging houseboats, now we’ll also have Air Kerala to die for! Whoa! That’s some news!

 

The Cafeteria owner Shamsukka was really excited and thanked Allahu that now he wouldn’t have to travel on that wretched Air India Express in which the toilets don’t have even a mug, the food is awful and the Air Crew doesn’t speak Malayalam. But I had to intervene and kill his excitement by promptly informing him that none of us mallus would be travelling by Air Kerala as it wouldn’t be a budget airline. Initially he didn’t believe me, but later accepted my declaration as he felt that I was more knowledgeable than him as I wore a tie and preferred to drink bottled mineral water instead of what he served for free in that typical cafeteria red jug with white top.

Yes, just like our most gelf airlines Air Kerala too would be a five star airline but, with a difference. Here are five specific features that you could expect once on board:

 

1.    Welcome Drink

As soon as you get in expect to be served a large complementary flask full of spicy Sambharam if you are in the Business Class. For the Economy Class expect a plastic glassful of warm Karingali Vellam.

 

2.    That homely feeling

Mallus don’t like Air Conditioners, and therefore this airline would not have any air conditioning at all, isn’t that exciting? Each one of us will be provided with a tiny portable fan that’d let out a squeaking sound reminding us of your very own fan at home.

And then, as soon as you finish drinking your Welcome Drink, the crew will come by distributing free lungis to men and frilled nighties to women. Change into those and relax, just like you’d do in the porch of your house. What’s more, these are complementary! So you get to take these along with you to your homes, and maybe if you are generous, you could also gift it to one of you lesser fortunate relatives back home. Imagine how proud that aunt of yours would feel when she goes to drop her kid to the school with this Air Kerala nightie on!

Yes, the washroom will have a mug and the tap will never run out of water. As a rule, there will be no tissue napkins; everyone will be allowed to bring their own Torthu.  And there, on the top shelf in the washroom you’ll also find sufficient supplies of your favourite Ayurvedic soap, Herbal Fairness Cream and Coconut Hair Oil.

 

3.    The Food

Unlike the other airlines that burdened your heart with the guilt of snitching off on board cutlery, this one will let you leave with a clean heart. They’d provide no cutlery at all!

Economy Class passengers would be served limited but, Authentic Kerala Style Oonu on a Banana leaf. Like every authentic mallu Oonu, this one will also come with an option; Thani Nadans could go for the mota (boiled) rice version, whilst the Fraud Mallus could go for the bareek (regular) rice version. Kids will be served Puttu, Pazham and Pappadams. If you are travelling Business Class, you’ll get the unlimited version with two extra glasses of Ada payasam and have the additional options of Kozikodden Biryani and the Kappa Meen Curry.

Yes, there’d be an inflight toddy shop too, serving day before yesterday’s pulichha toddy minus the flies.

 

4.    The Staff

Imagine nubile buxom lasses in set mundu strutting down the aisle swaying their pompous posterior and in the process shaking the whole aircraft as they attend to their very demanding customers. Imagine you are sitting on the aisle, and one of them stops by next to you, bending down just enough that her knockers are just an inch away from your nose, and she pouts her lips just to enquire in pure Malayalam “Chetta, is everything okay?” or “Can I get you something, Chetta?” What else could you ask for?

Imagine your safety instructions being enacted out in pure kalari style by a purebred mallu lad dressed only in a mundu and nothing else. 

 

5.    Inflight entertainment

Everyone will be entertained.

Each seat will have its own LCD screen on which kids will be able to watch the adventures of Tintumon and Jeeboomba. Women could watch one of the many channels showing yesterday’s TV serials Kumkumapuvu, Streedhanam, Amma etc etc whatever they want. And for men who were not done enough with vayanokafying the Airhostesses, could switch on to the day’s screening of one of Shakeelachechi’s evergreen movie.

If you are the reading type, just fish into the airline seat pocket and you’d find copies of Nana, Mangalam, Manorama and what not. 

Yes for any mallu, Air Kerala would be the airline to fly. And I hope that one day I’d be able to fly on one of its route and that it doesn’t fizzle off like our other very famous mallu brand ‘Kochi Tuskers Kerala’

I am sure, one day I will fly the Air Kerala that is, if the pilots have not gone on hartal… that is……if….

Killing Tanhai

For most gelf mallu men, the months of July-August are the most trying of them all. It is vacation time for the schools and the (un)lucky ones have their families packed away for a rain soaked lazy staycation back in Gods Own Country.

Sending away ones family does bring in an illusion of freedom that one always wanted to have, but as it does, even this illusion of freedom comes at a price. And the current one brings along with it tons of loneliness, longer days with shorter working hours (due to Ramadan), and a scorching sun followed by humid evenings which forces you to confine yourself within the four walls of your house. You cannot venture out due to the heat and no restaurant or movie would be operational before evening as it is Ramadan. Which means you’ll be forced to cook and watch soap. What can be worse, now you have to do your own dishes, wash-dry-fold-iron-fold (again) your cloths, polish your shoes, sweep and mop the floor and to make matters worse, you wife’s BFF, Mr. God might just put your patience to the test by breaking the AC.

Loneliness is a bane if it has to be endured, and the best way to kill loneliness is the obvious. To not be alone! So here’s my set of five which can surely rescue you. Pick one that suits you:

1.    Set up a booze party

I guess most of the mallus, who are I possession of a liquor permit have made the best of QDC’s quota hike for the last month and have now stored more than a month’s quota of liquor in their bar. So, it’s just the right time to set up a booze party with your other forced bachelor friends.

Experience freedom first class as you go about tippling the whole night without the fear of expecting your wife’s calls on the mobile “Where are you man? It is past midnight!”

Better still, next day when your head reels under the hangover and you sloth away in the cosiness of your bed dreaming about Sunny Leone and her Jism no. 2, you can be rest assured that there will be no interruptions in the form of urchins jumping in between or the old witch spanking your ass screaming and informing you that it’s already past noon.    

2.    Take up some sport

Team up with a sports oriented friend and get fitter in the real sense.

Especially in Qatar, there are many places where one can play indoor games during the day time. Try any of the clubs, where you can play Squash, TT or even badminton. Play Tennis in the evening till very late in the night. Playing Tennis in the floodlights has its own charm.

Go on a fishing trip during the weekend. Fishing cruises (with fishing equipment provided) are available at www.qatartourism.gov.qa and if you are a team of four, the cost works out less than QAR 500 per person.

Again since you have all the time under the sun, why not enrol into a gym. The PTA meeting in most schools is scheduled in September, which gives you guys just enough time to shape up.

3.    Explore your culinary side

Why not try your hands on cooking?

Try a new dish without the risk of having to subject others to taste it. Invent a marinade of your own using one of your stocked liquors.

Post pictures of the food you’ve cooked on a networking site. And while you do so, just like those celebrity chef’s on the TV, act as if what you’d cooked was actually tasty.

4.    Pursue your academic goals

Again, with your wife and kids away, you are suddenly endowed with a lot of disturbance free time. Make good use of it. Enrol yourself into a course and pursue an academic dream that you always wanted to achieve.

Get a LEED or PMP or Six Sigma or whichever certificate that you’ve dreamt of holding.

If you are not one of the academic types, go ahead and learn to play a musical instrument.

This is the right time. Do it now, or you’ll have to wait for another whole year.

5.    Get tangled in the web

If you are someone who wouldn’t venture into any of the above, chances are that you are a simple down to earth mortal being who is skewed more on to the carnal side.

I’d recommend you guys to get a membership of an online dating site named Tagged. Needless to mention, this website is banned in Qatar. However, if you are keen and discerning, you’ll find a way to bypass the system. Out there, there’s enough material available to keep you busily engaged for the whole month and even longer.

Here you’ll find desperate women looking either for love or just plain money and also some African men trying to illegally sell gold and diamonds. Choose what you want.

My reliable sources say that this place is filled chock-a-block with desperate Asian single females willing to share anything as long as you treat them to a peg or two of Jack Daniels and bucket of KFC!

If you are of the high class types, you can hook up with a professional who’d fly down to live in for a month. All you’d have to do is, spend the money for flight tickets, a month’s maintenance and just a paltry $5000/- as a parting gift. Ah! That’s too much for a mallu to handle!! Now we know why these western expats are so highly paid!! ;-)

Tanhai – Urdu word for Loneliness.

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person feels a strong sense of emptiness, yearning distress and solitude resulting from inadequate quantity or quality of social relationships (Courtesy – Wikipedia). 
Frankly, I never knew the problem was this serious, until I read the wiki. :-p

Feeling hot hot hot….

Unofficially speaking the peak temperature has touched 50^oC in Qatar today. Officially it would be a few degrees less. :-P

So what’s new about it? Nothing absolutely! It does get this hot, and even more during this time of the year, every year. So? Why this blog now?

I had my wife’s fiery Fish Biryani for lunch today and was feeling more than a bit lazy after the hogging. And so I thought that it would be a wonderful idea to go down and take a post lunch power nap in my car with the air condition on and Mehdi Hassan crooning away. My car was parked far and the sun was up and on its brightest ever, yet I was determined. Actually for me no hurdle is tough enough to overcome, as long as the ultimate reward has to do with snoozing.

I was halfway my destination, all drenched in sweat when I got this call from my imaginary girlfriend. Like me, she was wet, sticky and hot too.  But her heat was of the different kind. It has been raining in Kerala and she has been enjoying it, soaking in the rain thinking about me and singing, pleading to me “hai hai yeh majboori, yeh mausam aur yeh doori”.

I was getting desperate already. Oh! How I wished I could throw away this job and go back home and laze on her rain soaked bosom.

I was already in a trance, enjoying my lazy walk in my ‘pingg chexx’ lungi folded half-mast and experiencing the tickle of muddy water and tiny insects flicked onto my buttocks from my Paragon hawai chappals when I accidentally touched the door of my car and burned my index finger. Oops!

Reality Bites. Yes, it does. And it does in ways more than one. Later back in my office’s washroom, I burned my gluteus maximus when I tried using the shattaf after a routine visit to the loo. That was it! I had found my moment, and I decided that it was just the right time to write a blog.

Today’s lesson learnt:

Hot jet of water + Remanent of spices from the fiery fish biryani =  2 C7H5N3O6 → 3 N2 + 5 H2O + 7 CO + 7 C = Explosion of TNT under your seat. 

Our folks in India think that these high temperatures do not affect us gulfies. But that is not the case. They believe that since we are mostly in an air conditioned environment (whether while travelling or stationary) we suffer less. Well, maybe yes but we have our own woes, and this blog is dedicated to managing those effectively.

As a gulfie, there are a few things that we should do, five to be precise. Which are:

1.    Check our car tyre

Unlike how it is back home in India, out here in the gulf we don’t have the luxury of a driver (or a chauffeur). Here, we have to drive our own car, and if we have a flat tyre, we have to change it ourselves. And if you are travelling with family, kids can create quite a ruckus in such situations. If you are thinking that you’ll find help, think again. Expats are here just to make money and so they won’t stop to help. Locals drive at exorbitant speeds and the only way that you can stop one of them is if you are carrying along a Russian hottie in a skimpy dress. Since the chances that you’ll have one such gadget in your car are zilch, just follow this basic checklist.

·         Check the tyre pressure. Pressure in the tyres can increase with the increase in temperature outside. If it is high, get it corrected. The recommended tyre pressure for summer should be mentioned in your car’s manual.

·         Check your tyre’s tread wear and tear. If it is worn out, change it. During peak summer, the temperature of the road can be much higher than what’s shown on your thermometer. Don’t wait for the tyre to burst on the highway. That can be catastrophic.

And while you check the above for your four tyres, don’t forget the fifth one. There’s no point changing a flat tyre with another one that’s going to burst soon, right? 

2.    Drink well, pee well

Drink lots of water and pee well. Check the colour of your urine matching it with a ‘Dehydration Chart’. If the colour of your urine is turning darker, chances are that you are getting dehydrated, drink as much water as you can. Don’t drink colas or fizzy drinks. They only make it worse.    

3.    Use the water heater water

Yes! Turn the tap to the ‘red’ side and use the water stored in the water heater. Fortunately for us gulfies, we have huge container water heaters in our homes and offices. These heaters are installed safely inside the bathrooms and away from the blazing sun, and contain enough cool water for one person’s daily use. Especially when kids are to use the bathroom, turn the faucet to the heater side.

And yes, don’t forget to turn the water heater’s main switch off during summer!

4.    Start using paper

Yes, there’s global warming, and yes we have to save the trees. But I think it is okay to fell a few trees to save one’s own ass. Believe me, your ass would be a very grateful ass if you used tissue paper for the next two months. I wouldn’t want mine to be abused on a daily basis by a jet of hot blazing water… and with the kind of spicy cooking that we indulge in…. no… never.

5.    Send your family away

It is vacation time for the kids, so just send them away from here. Send them home, back to India. Let the kids enjoy, run and play in the rain. If you are a stay home dad, go to your hometown, the climate out there is just right to rekindle the flames with your ex. If you are a stay home mom, go and get pampered by your mother.

As for people who are here to make money, there’s no choice. Stay back in this desert and work. Anyways, you can always visit the nearest pub and down a few beers to chill up.

And don’t forget to stock your quota of beers before mid-July. Starting 20 July there will be no liquor in the pubs.

emails worth recalling

From: Junior Engineer

To: Design Manager

Subject: Leave Application

As it is the weekend, I am going to visit my sister’s house in the town, and since I think that I will not be able to return back for work on time next Monday, please note that I will be on leave as I know that if I am late, you will consider me absent for the day.

From: Admin Officer

To: Chief Admin Officer

CC: All Staff

Subject: Good news of birth and leave

I am very happy to announce that I have become the proud father of a daughter in India and to celebrate the occasion I have got some Indian sweets for all staff. Please come to my desk and grab a few before they turn stale.
Simultaneously I also apply for an urgent leave to see my family in India as I have not taken any Annual leave for past two years. So I am requesting to grant the leave also.
Thank you in advance.

From: Head of Safety & Security

To: All Staff, Consultants and Contractors

Subject: Parking

Some people are not parking their car in reverse. This is not allowed. If this is repeated, the respective company will be fine and the responsible staff shall bare it.
Please adhere to safety rules.

From: Super Boss

To: All Staff

Subject: email brotocol

It is observed that some staff are sending bersonal emails using outlook. This is not bermitted. If I receive any bersonal email on outlook, I will have to rebort to the higher management.

Bersonal email to me can be sent to my bersonal account arabstud4u@yahoo.com

From: The Office Secretary
To: All Staff

Subject: Brunch at Marriot

As you may know Mr.XXX will be leaving for UK on 16th February. Accordingly, Mr.XXX is arranging a brunch gathering at the Marriott Hotel near the airport on Friday 10th February starting at midday. You, your partners and children are welcome to attend, but please note that the cost will be on your own account.
Please reply to me before close on Wednesday 8th February confirming whether or not you will be able to attend.
Regards

Baba on Indian Cricket

Baba Bangali Kadak Guaranteewale, Chawl no 4, Behind Ram Bachan ka Tabela, Kurla (W), recommends the following five to improve India's overseas Cricket results:

1. All boys to wear 'Nazar Suraksha Kavach', which they should display prominently, especially while batting.
2. All boys (esp oldies) to have one capsule of 'Supractiv Complete Man' along with two tablespoons of 'Cinkara' during each drinks session
3. '3g Magnum' to be installed in each boy's tummy. This will increase their mileage by 37%, reduce emission by 45% and boost performance.
4. Offer sweets mixed with 'Jamalgota' to the opponent team before each match.
5. Visit Baba's Meditation and Relaxation Center at Deonar Bakra Mandi and deposit chanda of Rs.500/- or more to collect the guarantee card and to find out the fifth recommendation.

JAI HO BABA KADAK GUARANTEEWALE KI!!

THE HIGH FIVES

1. FIVE COMPLAINTS THAT INDIANS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

• Vote for thugs (repeatedly) and then complain that they’ve looted the country.
• Throw garbage and plastic all around and then complain that our cities/trains are not as clean as the West.
• Eagerly wait for a Cricket series to begin and then complain that it was all waste of time.
• Watch every SRK movie on the big screen and then complain that it was utterly rubbish and total waste of money!
• Fill up with greasy heavy food till you burp and then complain that you have a big belly and an aching back.

2. FIVE THINGS THAT MALLUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

• Toddy/Brandy
• Rains
• Lungi
• Mallu food
• Hartal

3. FIVE THINGS THAT FRAUD MALLUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

• Mallu jokes
• Mallu food
• Gold
• 40days Annual Vacation to God’s Own Country
• Santosh Pandit and all other kootharas!

4. FIVE THINGS THAT GUJJUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

• Money, more money and even more money
• Gujju Snacks - Farsan, Khaman-Dhokla etc etc
• Mukhwas
• Roadside eating
• Garba/Dandiya

5. FIVE THINGS THAT MUMBAIKARS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

• Mumbai Local
• Rainy Day Off
• Vada Pav/Misal Pav
• Office!
• Dance Bars