Synopsis of an ‘F’ grade movie

Thursday morning I was late to report for work. The reason – The preceding night till well beyond the wee hours of morning, I and my wife missed sleep to ROFLOFAO watching an ‘F’ grade movie.

I am sure most of my friends know what ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’ grade movies are. However, in case you don’t know, here’s some totally faltoo gyan:

·      It is an ‘A’ grade movie if it has a red and bold ‘A’ printed on the poster. And now, if you are thinking “It is obvious, what’s the freaking gyan in this?”; think again. These are rare and priceless movies, and believe me you will hardly find a genuine ‘A’ movie in your local store. They are hard to find because they are patented by a few enterprising mallu men, who took the pains to shoot it around and over the many hills and valleys of Kerala’s most loved landscape, Shakeelachechi. As per the prevailing movie making laws, a movie is not an ‘A’ movie if it doesn’t have a Shakeelachechi scene. Sadly, it has been many years now since they stopped making ‘A’ movies; this disruption because Shakeelachechi stopped acting err, displaying. Shakeelachechi had to stop acting err (again!), displaying since some environmentalists objected to her long kuli scenes, which supposedly had caused water scarcity in Kochi and its neighbourhood districts. Some alavaladi skinny mallu girls did try hard to replicate her act and hijack her position, but alas! They all fell flat on their chests! Such was the grace of Shakeelachechi. Shakeelachechi is not just hot, she is super hot. There’s an old saying in Kerala that “When Shakeelachechi takes a dip in the kolam (pond), it turns into a geyser”. She is so hot that I am already experiencing the onset of an orgasm by merely typing her name.

Shakeelachechi, Shakeelachechi, Shakeelachechi ………. aarrrghhhh, I need a break. And while I enjoy my break, you guys go ahead and enjoy the pics.

*** BREAK ***

*** BREAK OVER***

*** Ahhhhh! My body hurts. That was a lot of rolling-on-the-floor last night! I am really tired and not in a mood for anything else. But for the sake of dissipating gyan, I will continue***

·     ‘B’ grade movies are those totally ‘Bekaar’ movies made with the sole interest of gifting a livelihood to the bekaar kids and siblings of famous ex-film stars and/or media barons. In short, if you are jobless and you have a filthy rich dad or a media powerhouse in your household, you can always coax that person or your mom into coaxing that person to invest in making you your very own ‘B’ grade movie. The good thing about making ‘B’ grade movies is that nobody really cares as to when it released or how it performed in the box office … etc etc… so if you fail, you can always start again with a new ‘B’ movie… and go on and on and on. With every movie you do, you are a fresh new face on the block.


      Some of the famous ‘B’ grade aspirants are Kishen K, Harman B, Uday C, Baby AB, Sallubhai’s brothers and the two Khanna sisters. The two sisters are so so ‘B’ grade that if you typed their name on google and clicked ‘images’, it would return pictures of their mom! Anyways, these are mere aspirants. 


     The real star of ‘B’ movies is a certain guy called Tusshhaar K, who stands up to his reputation as a ‘B’ star and keeps comes back again and again and again.

·       ‘C’ grade movies or the ‘Chootiya banao, paise kamao’ movies are purely patented movies. Patents for directing these movies are solely guarded and held by just two guys namely Karan J and Farah K.

·      Finally we have the ‘F’ movie. An ‘F’ grade move is ‘Fully Faltoo’ movie in its own right and by far (as per my opinion) also the most entertaining one of all. Here ‘F’ stands for that effing four letter word which does not end with a ‘k’. ‘F’ is the acronym for fail, Yes, F-A-I-L fail. Men, or Lukkhas as we like to lovingly call them, who act in prominent roles in an ‘F’ movie otherwise do odd jobs like selling Bhel Puri at Mumbai Chowpatty or those five for twenty five Bras over the Andheri Foot Bridge. Unlike the ‘B’ grade stars, these guys are self made losers. Although there are some exceptions, female co-stars usually, come from and go back to their dancing bars.

The biggest Bollywood ‘F’ movie star of our times is the great KRK. This guy wears a toy gun on his neck and thinks that he is actually an underworld don. The greatest Tollywood ‘F’ superstar is a guy called Sam Anderson. Mallu’s are not far behind either. Very soon you guys will hear about a certain guy called Santosh Pundit; man in reckoning to be crowned the first ever ‘F’ superstar from mollywood and I am eagerly waiting for his first/mega and possibly only release ‘Krishnanum Radhayum’. These guys are great entertainers I say. You must check out their videos on youtube.

Enough of gyan, let’s go back to the main topic. The movie!

Here’s the story in concise. I hope you’ll all like it and if you do, do buy an original CD. It is available on Moser Baer. We should at least do this much to keep these talents alive.

ISHQ AUR INTEQAAM (LOVE AND REVENGE)

The story revolves around Goan Christians (I am sure they are all Goans, because they all keep muttering ‘Oh my God, Oh my God’) and primarily three friends, Simon (Played by a real life mumbaiya lukkha who has this funny smile on his face, which makes you feel like he is farting all the time or like he has a lump of shit already in his pants), Michael (played by our very own Thakti Kapoor), Prince (Played by a local Bihari lukkha, who with words like desejan (decision), exiden (accident) and pojijun (position) adds in a bhojpuri flavour to that typical bollywoodish goan hinglish) and a girl named Pretty (played by Amita Nangia). The film is directed by a guy named Sunil Kumar, and that reminds me of a pukka alavaladi (Utterly Useless Fellow) from our college days; A guy who once saw Sakshat Brahma (the creator) in his real form! This movie was made in 1993 (my prime) and is classified into the genre: Mature/Obscure. What the heck is that?

Simon and Pretty are in love and Pretty’s dad (played by Kishan Dhawan) is an ailing man who would die any moment. Pretty is this typical bollywood-goan girl who wears skimpy dresses, prays to Jesus and wears a big cross on her neck. The cross is so big that half of it is parked inside her cleavage. Since these guys are rich, while at home Pretty’s dad is always shown dressed in silk pyjamas with a  silk night robe over it (and yes, don’t forget that big cross on his neck), while Pretty keeping in line with the bollywood-goan tradition wears only a skimpy negligee with nothing underneath. Since Pretty’s dad is likely to die any day, dad calls up Simon and without seeking their desire, fixes their wedding for the coming Sunday. Simon is surprised; Pretty is ecstatic and she starts rubbing her legs and twitching her lips.

Simon calls up his best buddies, Michael (Who is a fultoo drunkard) and Prince and invites them for the wedding. Prince who is in Delhi, promises to come down at any cost by the next flight. As the call ends, the scene shifts to a butcher shop, where they show a head butcher (played by Raza Murad) chewing pan with a disdainful look on his face as his half naked body builder assistant, chops mutton with a programmed frequency that could put most machines to shame. For a moment, you contemplate that the head butcher is possibly plotting to rape the next female customer visiting his shop, but the scene changes and you wonder WTF is happening? Don’t worry. Just hold on and you’ll know as the story unfolds itself.

Simon and Pretty tie the knot, and outside church they are greeted by Michael, who is almost always over 90% drunk and carries a full bottle of MCD in the inner pocket of his coat. There are two things about Michael that you’ll never miss noticing; firstly that he is always cheek-by-jowl with a girlfriend whom he keeps changing with every scene and secondly, that he never greets anyone with a ‘Good Morning’. For Michael, be it daytime or night, it is always a ‘Good Night’. However, there’s a sad story attached to these two traits, which you’ll find out later.

As Simon and Michael exchange greetings, the camera moves to Prince, their Bihari adulterated Goan-Christian friend who is standing next to them, but avoids all contact as he hides his face behind a bouquet of flowers. Incidentally, Prince has just found out that Pretty was the girl whom he dated while in college. Pretty, who is a good girl had dumped Prince once she found out that he had some connections with bad people. As Prince visualises his past, his blood boils and he turns into a man full of vengeance.

As Simon and Pretty drive away in their ‘Newly Married’ convertible, Prince drives down to the butcher shop and mutters some censored gibberish to the Head Butcher. Now, if you are thinking that Prince is here to buy mutton, then you are mistaken; he has a horrendous scheme on his mind.

The scene shifts to the newly weds bedroom which has S-E-X written all over it. A steamy act of copulation follows which is interrupted by a phone call. Simon who is over Pretty, multi tasks with gyrating hip movements while talking seriously on the phone. Pretty who is on the threshold of visualising brahma screams and shakes her head vigorously as her hands try desperately to tear off the bed sheet.  Just-In-Time, Simon jumps off a visually perturbed Pretty, who seems to be saying “WTF?” to Simon in her mind. Simon gets up and hastily dresses and tells his new bride that he has to go to the hospital as his friend Prince, who was arriving by flight for their wedding, has just met with an accident. (Note the emphasis on ‘flight’). Pretty responds back asking “Magar?” (“But?”). It’s just a one word question but says a lot. She is actually telling him “Bloody MF, first finish the job that you were doing and then go where ever you want!” As Simon leaves the place in his bike, they show a smiling Prince, who from the adjacent building has been monitoring the first night proceedings through his binoculars.

Simon is attacked by goons on his way to the hospital, but he manages to escape unhurt. As he nears the hospital, he is shot from behind by the Head Butcher, who later calls up Prince and informs him that the task has been accomplished. Prince celebrates the event with a drink. As he sips his drink, Michael, along with his new paramour drops in. Michael enquires as to why Prince did not attend the wedding and also the reason for Prince’s celebration; but Prince says nothing. Michael however ends up telling his story of how he became a drunkard and as to why he keeps changing girls every other day and hates greeting ‘Good Morning’. Incidentally Michael was in love with a girl, whom he could only meet in the morning and as they met, the girl would greet him ‘Good Morning’. Actually this girl was prostitute, and poor Michael didn’t know about it. One night Michael sneaks into his girlfriend’s house and finds her with a customer.  Later that night Michael ends up at Tuntun Aunty’s Feni bar and dances to a song with lyrics like “Apun kamal karega…. kale kutte se pyar karega…” From that day Michael is a changed man. I was touched!

Scene shifts to the steamy bedroom where Simon abandoned a visibly desperate Pretty, whose desire was left unquenched. Pretty tries to douse her inner fire by gulping down a bottle of chilled water, but alas, it goes in vain. She can’t control herself and she cringes in pain. (If you are a potent man watching this scene, I bet, you’ll almost get up from your seat and try to crash into the screen to help this poor girl. But I’ll suggest you to wait a moment and control yourself) The phone rings and delivers the obvious news to Pretty.

Pretty runs out of her bedroom in a negligee and appears in the hospital in a gown. If you’ve imagined that Simon is dead by now, you are mistaken. Simon is very much alive. But, there’s a sad news. The doctor (who in real life looks like the guy who sells peanuts at Juhu Chowpaty) informs Pretty that Simon was hit by a bullet on his spinal cord. (At this point, you’ll start imagining that possibly Simon is paralysed and bedridden for life. Just wait and listen to the fantastic revelation!) The doctor looks at the x-ray and informs Pretty that since Simon has been hit by a bullet on the spinal cord, he has lost his erection ability!! Prince visits Simon at the hospital, and is formally introduced to Pretty and the movie leads to a new angle.

Simon is discharged from the hospital and once back home immediately embarks upon his unfinished task. He does well with the foreplay and also dreams of a steamy saree (with no undergarments and no yes, no underskirt too) song performing intimate dance moves in the rain on a parked motorbike. Alas, our director’s effort to ignite passion goes in vain as Simon doesn’t last beyond the foreplay. He collapses and apologises. Pretty’s thirst remains unquenched and her fort remains unconquered. Prince, who monitors the act through his binoculars, gives out a sly smile.

Next day as Simon leaves for work, Prince calls up Pretty and offers his services, but Pretty, who is a good wife declines. Simon meets Prince and informs about his disability. Prince offers his advice to Simon “Har marz ki dawa, daroo” (“The remedy to all ailments, Liquor”). Simon takes his advices and reports back home fully drunk. Simon again lunges on to Pretty and tries to perform, but alas. At this point Pretty displaying her huge cleavage (minus the cross) in a horny tone asks Simon “Bhook lagi hai kya? Kya khaoge?” (“Are you hungry? What would you like to”) Simon looks into the cleavage and replies “Nahin main thak gaya hoon. abb bhook nain” (“I am tired. I have no more hunger”) What a class act!

Next day Simon hastily leaves for work, leaving the main door ajar. Pretty forgets to latch the door and leaves to take bath. Prince gets in, latches the door and tries to seduce a half naked Pretty. In the ensuing struggle, Prince’s version of foreplay meets success and it manages to rekindle the pyre in Pretty. They are about to enter into the next stage of the act and you are taken wide eyed and pulled close to the screen and now on the edge of your seat grabbing the chair cushion with great expectation as the bell rings. Shucks! It’s Simon, who has forgotten his red file. Prince jumps off the window and runs away as the watchman witnesses the escape. Back in the room, our poor lady Pretty, whose passion has been ignited for the third time now, tries hard to seduce Simon. But Simon who has to rush to work, pushes Pretty down on the bed and runs down the stairs. As Simon leaves the compound on his bike, the watchman informs Simon about Prince’s great escape.

Next day again as Simon leaves for work, Prince revisits Pretty and tries his hands on her. Incidentally Simon comes back and is about to knock the main door when he overhears the ongoing struggle between Prince and Pretty in the bedroom. He realizes that his wife is innocent and tries to break the door. Again Prince jumps off the window and runs away. Simon follows Prince; possibly he wants to talk this out with Prince and enter into an arrangement and so shouts “Prince, mat bhago, ruko Prince ruko. Mujhe tumse kuch kehna hai” (“Prince, don’t run away, wait Prince wait, I have something to tell you”), but Prince who is scared of a confrontation steals a parked jeep convertible and drives away. Simon follows him on his bike. A long chase ensues, which takes the viewer along the length and breadth of the Mumbai’s Western Express Highway. Finally, Prince’s car hits a truck and he dies instantly. Next minute, Simon’s bike hits Prince’s car and he is ejected off the bike, performs a summersault and lands on his but on the protruding rocks along the road which seems to have been created specially for the event. Thankfully, Simon survives and is taken to the hospital.

At home, a visibly tense Pretty receives a call and she says “Oh my God” for the last time and leaves for the hospital. At the hospital, the same doctor looks again at an x-ray and informs Pretty that a miracle has occurred! Since Simon landed oh his bum with the rock hitting the same point on the Spinal Cord where he was earlier hit by a bullet, he has been miraculously cured of his erectile dysfunction. Pretty is ecstatic and expresses the same emotion as she had when her dad fixed her marriage. The doctor gives some censored instructions to Pretty, which she wilfully agrees to perform.

Few days later Simon is released from the hospital and Pretty gets on to implement the doctor’s instructions. Pretty starts seducing Simon and catches him unawares with her sexy lingerie song. Simon, who has actually lost all hope of experiencing stiffness, lethargically joins in. As instructed by the doctor, Pretty implants her foreplay moves one after the other and Simon finally gives out that dirty look, which it intended to send out the message that “Man, I have an erection”. In a fit of rage, he jumps on over Pretty, who is by now panting heavily. The accident was truly a miracle, because Simon, who in a span of two weeks has had two surgeries on his Spinal Cord performs with the finesse of a porn star. Pretty clutches Simon’s palm and vigorously  turns it in all the possible directions; her nostrils flare and she finally visualizes the creator; Shakshat Brahma.

The movie ends.

Although, I may not watch it again, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. Definitely better than OSO or TMK, for one this one is a rare movie; it has a real CLIMAX in the end. I do have my reservations on its name though. Instead of ‘Ishq aur Inteqaam’, I think ‘Woh adhuri Pyas’ (The unquenched thirst) would have been an apt title. Any suggestions?