Sunday, January 29, 2012

Very uncool hinglish translations

“Naach na jaane aangan teda"
“Dance doesn’t know that the courtyard is slanting”

“Saale, main tera khoon pee jaoonga”
“Brother-In-Law, I will drink your blood”

"Bohot yaarana lagta hai"
“Lots of friendship is hitting”

“Ek macchar aadmi ko hijda bana sakta hai"
“One mosquito can turn man into eunuch”

“Doodh ka jala chaas bhi phook phook kar peeta hai”
“If burnt by milk, drink buttermilk also by blowing”

“Maine terah kya cheez bigada hai?”
“What are the thirteen things that have I spoilt?”

“Kala akshar bhains barabar"
“Black word is like buffalo”

“Yeh iss purey ilake ka dada hai”
“He is the grandfather of this whole area”

“Mooh mein Raam, bagal mein churi”
“Raam in the mouth, knife in the side”

“Iski biwi ekdum chikni hai”
“His wife is so slippery”

“Tu mera ek jhaat bhi banka nahi kar sakta”
“You cannot bend even one of my pubic hair”

“Dhobi ka kutta, na ghar ka, na ghat ka”
“Washerman’s dog, neither from house nor from riverfront”

“Kaam theek chal raha hai”
“Work is walking well”

“Khane mein kya hai?”
“What is there in the food?”

“Share baazar mein mere kaafi paise doob gaye”
“Lot of my money drowned in the Stock Market”

“Chirag taley andhera”
“Light under darkness”

“Aaj nakad, kal udhar”
“Give me cash today, I will give you loan tomorrow”

“Mujhe lagta hai ke tum iss sal pass ho jaogey”
“It is hitting to me that you will come near this year”

“Sar mundate hee ole pade”
“When you shave your head, there will be a hailstorm”

“Yahan garmiyon mein loo chalti hai"
“During summer, hot wave walks here”

“Ek kaali billi ne rasta kaat diya”
“One black cat has cut the road”

“Jis ki lathi, uss ki bhains"
“Whoever has got stick can take the buffalo”

“Abb pachtaye kya hot, jab chidiya chug gayi khet”
“Why are you repenting, when it is the sparrow who pecked the farm”

“Ghar ki murgi, dal barabar”
“Chicken in house is like lentil”

“Dal mein kuch kala hai”
“Inside the lentil, there is something black”

“Ghoda ghas se dosti karega toh khayega kya?”
"Will horse eat if he makes friendship with grass?”

“Waise, mein aaj kal Qatar mein rehta hoon”
“Like that, these days I live in queue”

Friday, January 27, 2012

Essential Fraud Mallu phrases

“Don’t play rolling rolling on the floor after falling down”
“Veeneduthunu urundu kalikkenda”


“Even one grass will not walk here”
“Ivide oru pullum nadakkula”


“You cannot do even one dry ginger”
“Ninikku oru chukkum cheyan pattula”


“He has no information”
“Iven oru viveravum illa”


“Why have you become a faceman and sitting there holding your muscle?”
“Enda avide monthakaran aayi musilum piddich irrikkunadu?”


“I will kill him, he called my father”
“Njan avane kollum, aven ente acchane vilichu”


“My gold boss, this won’t walk here”
“Ente ponnu saare, idu ivide nadakkula”


“She is a bottom breaker”
“Aval adi poli aanu”


“Will there be water beating in the party?”
“Partyil vellamadi indagumo?”


“Even if you give elephant, don’t give hope”
“Aana kodutthaum, aasha kodukaruth”

 “When a buffalo lift his tail, we know why it is”
“Kaala valu pokkiyal arayamello endina ennu”

“Let’s go, call two on his father and come”
"Vaa, avande thandakku randu vilichittu veram”

 “He is a garbage man”
“Avan aaal kacchara aanu”

“If crow takes bath, will it become a crane?”
“Kakka kulicchal kokku agumo?”

"I am thinking no, no, and you are climbing on head and jumping?”
“Venda venda ennu vijarikkumbol thalayil keyri tulluano?”

“Why are you simply taking the snake lying on fence and putting it on your shoulder?”
“Verudde endinanu, veliyil kadakkuna paambine edutu tholathu idunnadu?”

“Yesterday, in the party we fought and peeled”
“Innale partiyil addichu pollichu”

“For failing in market climbing on mother’s back”
“Angadiyil thotadinu ammayude porathu”

“No, don’t play near me”
“Venda, ente eduttu kallikkenda”

“Go grass!”
“Poda Pulle”

“Gave stick and got beating”
“Vadi kodutthu adi vaangi”

“Dog has licked my life”
“Ente jividam naya nakki”

Baba on Indian Cricket


Baba Bangali Kadak Guaranteewale, Chawl no 4, Behind Ram Bachan ka Tabela, Kurla (W), recommends the following five to improve India's overseas Cricket results:


  1. All boys to wear 'Nazar Suraksha Kavach', which they should display prominently, especially while batting.
  2. All boys (esp oldies) to have one capsule of 'Supractiv Complete Man' along with two tablespoons of 'Cinkara' during each drinks session
  3. '3g Magnum' to be installed in each boy's tummy. This will increase their mileage by 37%, reduce emission by 45% and boost performance.
  4. Offer sweets mixed with 'Jamalgota' to the opponent team before each match.
  5. Visit Baba's Meditation and Relaxation Center at Deonar Bakra Mandi and deposit chanda of Rs.500/- or more to collect the guarantee card and to find out the fifth recommendation.



JAI HO BABA KADAK GUARANTEEWALE KI!!

Monday, January 23, 2012

THE HIGH FIVES

1. FIVE COMPLAINTS THAT INDIANS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
  • Vote for thugs (repeatedly) and then complain that they’ve looted the country.
  • Throw garbage and plastic all around and then complain that our cities/trains are not as clean as the West.
  • Eagerly wait for a Cricket series to begin and then complain that it was all waste of time.
  • Watch every SRK movie on the big screen and then complain that it was utterly rubbish and total waste of money!
  • Fill up with greasy heavy food till you burp and then complain that you have a big belly and an aching back.

2. FIVE THINGS THAT MALLUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
  • Toddy/Brandy
  • Rains
  • Lungi
  • Mallu food
  • Hartal

3. FIVE THINGS THAT FRAUD MALLUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
  • Mallu jokes
  • Mallu food
  • Gold
  • 40days Annual Vacation to God’s Own Country
  • Santosh Pandit and all other kootharas!


4. FIVE THINGS THAT GUJJUS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
  • Money, more money and even more money
  • Gujju Snacks - Farsan, Khaman-Dhokla etc etc
  • Mukhwas
  • Roadside eating
  • Garba/Dandiya


5. FIVE THINGS THAT MUMBAIKARS CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
  • Mumbai Local
  • Rainy Day Off
  • Vada Pav/Misal Pav
  • Office!
  • Dance Bars

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Coming for Lawn Tennis?

For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:00AM on both days of the weekend. No, it was not to watch the third test at Perth.

After almost a month of lull, I and my tennis partner resumed our Lawn Tennis sessions. For over a month now, the Qatar Tennis Federation courts were out of bounds for us amateurs. Firstly because of the Arab Games and then the Qatar ExxonMobil Open. The good thing though, is that they have now redone the court flooring and have installed new benches, nets and a quiescent freezer in the new courts.

After two days and two hours of rigorous (at this age any activity other than which is done lying down is rigorous) tennis, I have realized two things:
  • The fastest way to finish a game is by serving four straight aces.
  • The second fastest is by serving eight faulty serves.

And here I am, proudly proclaiming that I and my partner can do both of them very effectively. Albeit our aces are not those fast and zippy ones that fly like a bullet and akin to what used to come out of Goran Ivanišević’s racquet. Our aces have a lazy flight and parabolic trajectory with its vertex high in the sky. The only reason why it becomes an ace is, because it ceases to bounce back with the same vigour. How could they? They are our balls. By the time they reach the other side of the court, there’s no vigour left at all!

Well, it’s not funny. Playing an hour of ultra-slow tennis can be very strenuous and demanding. For one, you have to look up straight in the sky (and sometimes straight into the sun, which can almost burn your eyes in this part of the world) and spot the ball among the birds and the many Qatar Airways aeroplanes.

It is just like trap shooting, but much more difficult. In trap shooting, you have to stand still in one position and shoot the target down. In this, one has put into use all known engineering ken. First estimate all the x, y, z’s whatever, then solve a complex parabolic equation, estimate the path and when all that’s done, walk slowly towards the impact point with your racquet held high. That’s not all. When all this is done, one has to estimate the bounce and the whole calculation exercise repeats.

I must’ve written my Engineering Maths exam three or four times before I cleared it, but frankly life was much easier then.

Well, it’s not these complex calculations that make our style of tennis so difficult; it’s the waiting. Imagine standing in middle of a tennis court with a racquet over your head, waiting an eon for the ball to drop. The worst however happens, when the ball lands right on top of my head and I am left with no option, but to whine “Opps! Wrong formulae! I should’ve taken my engineering subjects more seriously while in college”

And then, the pain turns excruciating when I’m reminded that I have paid an equivalent of Rs600/- per hour to play on this court, where just few days back the likes of Federer, Nadal and Tsonga practiced for free. For my partner, the rent (and pain) is almost double in his currency. He is from Pakistan.

All in all, this is a great way to work out, and I recommend all my ‘already forty’ and ‘soon to be forty’ year old friends to start playing this game. By the way, there are many advantages of playing ultra-slow tennis:
  • You can actually see the ball! 
  • Chances that you’ll get injured due to a speeding ball hitting you are tremendously low. 
  • Your wife, who is equally slow in taking pictures can click you hitting (or trying to hit) a shot.
  • The soles of your expensive branded tennis shoes will never wear out.
  • No scampering around the court, so no chances of backaches or joint pain.
  • You’ll hardly hit a shot or two, and so there’s no chance that you’ll get a tennis elbow.
  • In an hour, you will hardly finish four games or so, and so there won’t be a winner/loser to declare. So no scope of disputes at all between you and your partner; although your countries may be one of the bitterest of enemies, you both end up staying friends forever!
  • You can make yourself a ‘Players ID Card’ and use it to show off to your friends at work and the college alumni. Also point out to them that although you have a tummy (which makes you look like five months pregnant) you are actually very active and sports inclined. Who knows, like me you might end up getting at tennis racquet as a farewell gift.


So yeah, all of you are invited to join us in our quest to redefine Lawn Tennis. We play on weekends, (every Friday and Saturday) from 6:00AM to 7:00AM at the Khalifa Tennis Complex, Doha, Qatar.

And while you do, do bring your own tennis racquets. No need to bring your balls; that we have plenty!