Coming for Lawn Tennis?

For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:00AM on both days of the weekend. No, it was not to watch the third test at Perth.

After almost a month of lull, I and my tennis partner resumed our Lawn Tennis sessions. For over a month now, the Qatar Tennis Federation courts were out of bounds for us amateurs. Firstly because of the Arab Games and then the Qatar ExxonMobil Open. The good thing though, is that they have now redone the court flooring and have installed new benches, nets and a quiescent freezer in the new courts.

After two days and two hours of rigorous (at this age any activity other than which is done lying down is rigorous) tennis, I have realized two things:

• The fastest way to finish a game is by serving four straight aces.

• The second fastest is by serving eight faulty serves.

And here I am, proudly proclaiming that I and my partner can do both of them very effectively. Albeit our aces are not those fast and zippy ones that fly like a bullet and akin to what used to come out of Goran Ivanišević’s racquet. Our aces have a lazy flight and parabolic trajectory with its vertex high in the sky. The only reason why it becomes an ace is, because it ceases to bounce back with the same vigour. How could they? They are our balls. By the time they reach the other side of the court, there’s no vigour left at all!

Well, it’s not funny. Playing an hour of ultra-slow tennis can be very strenuous and demanding. For one, you have to look up straight in the sky (and sometimes straight into the sun, which can almost burn your eyes in this part of the world) and spot the ball among the birds and the many Qatar Airways aeroplanes.

It is just like trap shooting, but much more difficult. In trap shooting, you have to stand still in one position and shoot the target down. In this, one has put into use all known engineering ken. First estimate all the x, y, z’s whatever, then solve a complex parabolic equation, estimate the path and when all that’s done, walk slowly towards the impact point with your racquet held high. That’s not all. When all this is done, one has to estimate the bounce and the whole calculation exercise repeats.

I must’ve written my Engineering Maths exam three or four times before I cleared it, but frankly life was much easier then.

Well, it’s not these complex calculations that make our style of tennis so difficult; it’s the waiting. Imagine standing in middle of a tennis court with a racquet over your head, waiting an eon for the ball to drop. The worst however happens, when the ball lands right on top of my head and I am left with no option, but to whine “Opps! Wrong formulae! I should’ve taken my engineering subjects more seriously while in college”

And then, the pain turns excruciating when I’m reminded that I have paid an equivalent of Rs600/- per hour to play on this court, where just few days back the likes of Federer, Nadal and Tsonga practiced for free. For my partner, the rent (and pain) is almost double in his currency. He is from Pakistan.

All in all, this is a great way to work out, and I recommend all my ‘already forty’ and ‘soon to be forty’ year old friends to start playing this game. By the way, there are many advantages of playing ultra-slow tennis:

• You can actually see the ball! 

• Chances that you’ll get injured due to a speeding ball hitting you are tremendously low. 

• Your wife, who is equally slow in taking pictures can click you hitting (or trying to hit) a shot.

• The soles of your expensive branded tennis shoes will never wear out.

• No scampering around the court, so no chances of backaches or joint pain.

• You’ll hardly hit a shot or two, and so there’s no chance that you’ll get a tennis elbow.

• In an hour, you will hardly finish four games or so, and so there won’t be a winner/loser to declare. So no scope of disputes at all between you and your partner; although your countries may be one of the bitterest of enemies, you both end up staying friends forever!

• You can make yourself a ‘Players ID Card’ and use it to show off to your friends at work and the college alumni. Also point out to them that although you have a tummy (which makes you look like five months pregnant) you are actually very active and sports inclined. Who knows, like me you might end up getting at tennis racquet as a farewell gift.

So yeah, all of you are invited to join us in our quest to redefine Lawn Tennis. We play on weekends, (every Friday and Saturday) from 6:00AM to 7:00AM at the Khalifa Tennis Complex, Doha, Qatar.

And while you do, do bring your own tennis racquets. No need to bring your balls; that we have plenty!

☻