Lament of the group chat leaver.

mohabbat karne waale kam na honge

teri mehfil mein lekin ham na honge

-               Hafeez Hoshiarpuri

Translation:

You will never be short of people who love you

However, I will not be there in that gathering anymore

For the past few days, this above couplet from Mehdi Hassan’s smash hit rendition has been stuck somewhere in my heart, and keeps oozing out of my lips and ringing in my ears. Just like an adamant child throwing a tantrum, it does not budge off from there, follows me wherever I go, and I tried hard, but it just does not just go away. I think, this has to do with an old habit, and since old habits die hard, I know this one will not go away without taking a part of me with it, and when it does, I know it will end up hurting me badly.

Many moons ago, in one of my earlier lives, when the world was kinder and I was a just another wise old fakir, whose blabbering went unnoticed, I had, in an extinct language, once said:

“The bruises on my feet tell the story of all those beautiful places that I have visited,

and the bruises in my heart tells the story of all those beautiful people whom I have betrayed”

How true that saying was then, and how true that saying is even today!

How true, though I do not think anyone heard me that time, and maybe that is why no one used to judge me by my utterings. It must have been late in the evening and I was probably walking in a dimly lit deserted street with that quintessential bowl in my hand, singing my heart out, wastefully entertaining people with my muse; people who probably had better things to do, than to listen to my gibberish. Nevertheless, I kept doing that, while humbly accepting, thanking and blessing my almsgiver for not throwing their leftovers into the bin, but into my bowl.

Although that old fakir has died long ago and although his soul has changed bodies, gender and moved on, the core of it has more or less remained the same, albeit with time and along with the depletion of the ozone layer, this soul too is a bit adulterated. I must admit, that in this birth, I may sound suave and look classier, but I am also sillier and crasser than ever before. What I have gained in my appearance, I have lost in my outlook.

Earlier, I used to walk along the streets in my haggard, torn unwashed one-piece cloak, singing soulful couplets to naïve ears, while allowing them to accumulate punya in return to dropping a morsel of their leftover food into my bowl. I used to be stoned, mocked at and forbidden for my dirty cloths, the odor and those dread locks. No one paid heed to the words of wisdom that I poured out.

Nowadays, I strut with stylized swag, my face glows with artificial radiance, shampooed tresses sway in the air, and a fake scent gives credence and acceptance in this worldly place. I entertain my frenemies with my wasteful creative banter, and whatever is remaining of my dying cherub on the various online chat groups. I provide these so-called sensible and mature, friendly enemies with just the right amount of gentle banter to keep them cheerful during the drudgery called workday; load their weekends with juicy supplies of my antics to gossip on my back, all this; all while knowingly getting myself labelled immature, crude and lacking in etiquette.

I was never accepted then, and I still am not.

I guess it is time to take refuge in the first line of my long lost couplet. It is time to move on. Move on to another beautiful place, where again I will entertain people, just to end up ridiculed, punished, stoned, crucified and ultimately be praised and resurrected in absentia.

Yes, it is time to move on, not because I like it, but because my soul says so. My soul asks not for redemption, but for more pain and I ought to give it what it seeks, because only I can suffice my need for pain, no one else.

As I leave and go without any explanations, I know my chat buddies will brand me an absconder and accuse me of being a betrayer. Little do they know that a betrayer goes through more pain than the one who is betrayed.

If you are the betrayed one, the whole world around you, including time comes to your rescue; empathizes with your situation, helps you fight the pain, applies remedies to your bruises and carries you to healing.

At the same time, how harsh life turns out for the betrayer! How harsh, that the world that was once your friend whom you entertained and performed for, this same world now gathers on your back, gossips about you, mocks you in their little private parties and discusses stories of your leaving while you are left fighting your demons all alone, in solitude. It is harsh, because not only those exes, but your own soul, your own conscience, and the passing time, puts you to test; it fills you with guilt, kills you from inside, keeps the scars alive, just to remind you of your betrayal. How harsh. How so very harsh!

Time to leave. Time for more pain.

The Al Ghariya Incident

The one about desi maal.

It is March again, and only my God and the walls of my house know how much my household hates the first two weeks of this month. This is the time when schools conduct final exams for the year. The lads hate it because their iPad time is squeezed from hours to minutes and their playtime is shortened to the least possible. Mommy hates it because she is juggling hard between fulfilling the needs of her three boys, tutoring/preparing the two lads for their exams, and ensuring that I am nowhere near the lads’ study table. I hate it because I am banished from the living room and also because this period is an anniversary and a grim reminder of a silly event from the past.

This happened last year, that is, when my elder one was in 5^th grade. By this time my situation was not as worse as it is now. Until February last year, I was allowed to tutor math to my younger lad, that is additions and subtractions only, but not multiplication or anything to do with English grammar; and also allowed to assist my wife in tutoring the elder one on ad hoc basis, on easy subjects especially when she had any important or unavoidable task in the kitchen or bathroom to attend to. Albeit part time, both I and my kids took great pride in it, because they still believed that I was intrinsically intelligent and knowledgeable as I had graduated in Civil Engineering from a prestigious Engineering College (their grandmother kept telling them that) and I was working on a large city development project (I kept telling them that). That was it! Then came March.

It was one of those hateful days in the beginning of March, it was final exam time, and I had just walked in home form another hectic workday of crushing candies, watching raunchy Bhojpuri videos and pampering my boss’s ass. You never know how time flies when your eyes are stuck on a Bhojpuri bhabhiji’s hip gyrations and your ears are lost in decoding the double meanings in her song. Needless to say, by the time I regained my senses and decided to drive back home, all my colleagues had already left and the office lights were switched off. It was pitch dark, and with great difficulty I managed to locate what I believe was the washroom door next to my boss’s cabin and peed into the first thing that felt and smelt like a urinal. Anyways what I intent to say is that I was late, pretty late, and that it was a tad bit later than what the definition of late actually is.

That day as I entered home, I saw a disaster struck Mommy with volcanic fumes and what not ejecting out of her ears, teaching math to an almost sleepy kid, who appeared equally disaster struck and holding back a tsunami, waiting to break free from his eyes. The younger one though had fallen asleep on the recliner.

I took a few steps in and my lad jumped off form his chair and ran towards me, hugged me and asked how my day was. I replied back saying “Very hectic son, very hectic and busy. I am so tired”. Mommy, the tutor looked up at me without lifting her head, with the sightline above her glasses, her eyes filled with aggravation, as if accusing me of coming home early and causing disruption to the kids studies. It is only when I enquired “What’s for dinner?” that she realized that it was already past 8:30PM. She got up and ran into the kitchen begging “Half an hour just give me half an hour”. I somehow dragged myself to the master bedroom to freshen up and change as my son zipped past me into his bedroom and in no time started to play on his Xbox.

Although I was home, I was not quite done with watching my favorite videos, as those holi and choli numbers kept lingering in my brain. I quickly changed into my nightwear and switched on my laptop, plugged in my headphones and got lost in my Bhojpuri world.  Never realized when I got into the groove, and posited myself into an imaginary hammock. I placed my feet on the computer table and slouched myself in to the chair with my head resting back lazily in the cup of my arms. Swinging in my imaginary hammock I hummed ‘maal desi maal desi maal desi maal’ with my eyes closed. Never realized that someone opened the door of my bedroom and entered in. Never realized that, that someone was my 10-year-old son. My trance was broken only when I felt his little warm hand on my shoulder. I jumped off the chair, scampered for the controls, couldn’t locate them, and in the process ended up dropping the mouse and breaking it. Nevertheless, I somehow managed to shut off YouTube and stand straight in front of my son and ask him sternly “What are you doing here, don’t you have anything to study?”

He said “I want you to explain me this desi maal thing”

“What?” I screamed back in a hush voice with my eyes almost popped out and shock written all over my face.

“I won’t explain anything to you. Go back and study” I said

He screamed “Amma, look this papa is …….”

I stopped him midway “No beta no. Don’t tell Amma. I will tell you everything. All that you want to know about desi maal” and I took a deep breath and began.

I started with explaining him that desi meant anything that is local and therefore anything Indian for Indians was desi, and that maal meant merchandize or product. So the term desi maal actually only meant any product that was Indian. He didn’t seem convinced with that answer. He seemed rather lost with that explanation and stared at me like I had gone crazy or what.

I always knew that my lad is smart kid, and so I couldn’t trick him with a placebo, and so I started explaining about the real stuff. I started with explaining him about UP, Bihar, Nepal Border, the language Bhojpuri, taught him a few Bhojpuri phrases and reached to the festival of holi, ched-chad, Devar-Bhabhi relationship, Mahua TV, traditional Bhojpuri numbers remixed into bollywood item numbers etc etc. I even sang to him two lines from my own Bhojpuri compilation:

Hamar padosan chamiya badi hott lage loo

Desi gori choriya, Europan lage loo

Chamiya ka jobanwa, atom bomb laage loo

Dilwa kare dhak dhak, humka shock lage loo

The explanation must have lasted for some 45 odd minutes, at the end of which I was feeling great and accomplished. For the first time in my life I felt that I had actually transferred important knowledge to my progeny. It was a masterstroke, and my chest bulged with pride. Pride, that I had actually explained something as complicated as this to this gulf-bred kid. But the gulf-bred kid seemed more lost altogether. He looked back at me with blank eyes, as if I have been talking to him in gibberish or some alien language and showed absolutely no sense of gratitude for the immense knowledge sharing that had just taken place.

It was exactly at that point that mommy called out saying that my dinner was ready, and this lad grabbed the first moment of my distraction, sneaked out, and ran away. I thought he ran away to play his Xbox, but he actually ran down to his Amma.

I stood there thumping my chest, brimming with pride and oozing self-love.

My self-admiration vanished as I opened my eyes and turned myself to walk down to the dining table for having dinner. Mommy stood there with disgust and disdain written all over her face and spewing dragon like fumes from her nostrils. One sight, and I shuddered with fear. I looked for a leeway, but she had already cornered me.

She screamed “What is this? You can’t do even one thing properly? That kid has his math finals day after tomorrow, and all I wanted you to do was help him revise the chapter on decimal system. You couldn’t even do that much? And what rubbish have you been talking to that little 10-year-old kid? How irresponsible and immature can you be man?”

That was it.

:-(

Yaadein

Tere jane ke baad teri bohot yaad aayi

Aankh band kiya to tu samne khadi thi

Nazron mein tu hi tu samayi thi

Seene mein jahan dil hai, wahan teri parchayi thi

Palke uthayi, toh tera koee pata na tha

Magar gird mein ek bheeni si khushbu chaayi thi

Dhoond raha tha mai magar, tujhe phir bhi shaam-o-saher

Gul mein, Galiyon mein, abadiyon mein jahan hum ne shaame bitayi thi

Phir shaam bhar baitha raha akele uss teele par

Jidhar hum ne saath-saath jeene marne ki kasme khayi thi

Phir yaad aaya woh vaqiya judayi ka

Jis din tum ne choda haath mera

aur maine khayi mein chalang lagayi thi

And it’s gone!

Dil ki choton ne kabhi chein se rehne na diya

Jab chali sard hava mei ne tujhe yaad kiya

 

Excuse no: 1 - FEAR

It has become customary in our house that every night after we say our prayers in the master bedroom, my wife and lads leave to the kid’s room. There my wife reads a story to the boys, and as soon as the story telling session is done, my lads run down back to the master bedroom and fling themselves on to the bed, over me like freestyle wrestlers, pin me down and fight each other to smother me with good night kisses and wish me sweet dreams.

Usually during the gap time, when the story telling is happening in the adjacent room, I am engaged with my iPhone, doing one of the many things,  which are; crushing candies, putting words on scrabble, making raunchy dubsmashes, clicking my semi-nude selfies, watching Bhojpuri Bhabhi videos or typing crap on whatsapp! Yesterday night, I decided to do something new.

During the earlier weekend, I had bought myself a new beard trimmer, and I thought this was the best time to try it, and so I headed to the bathroom with it.

Few moments later, as I was working with my beard, I heard my lads run into the master bedroom and throw themselves on to the bed, laugh loudly at not finding me and then leave trying to figure my whereabouts. My younger lad Yo though was a little bit more inquisitive. He decided to peep into the bathroom, and in his inimitable style, he kicked open the door. He stood there stunned, all agape, with his eyes as big as mine are when I watch those junglee padosan videos on YouTube’s Bhojpuri channel, and mouth as big as he usually makes it when he sees his favorite Tuna Sandwich coming his way.

For some time, under the backdrop of utter silence that was punctuated with  a little creak from the door, droplets of water trickling down the tap and a faint fart that I ejected, we both stood there staring into each other; I into his mouth and he on to my chin. There was a sparkle in his eyes, dimmed by a tear perhaps, which seemed to pose these two questions: What have you done to yourself? Why have you done this?

I took a step closer to him, put down the toilet set and sat down on the closet leveraging my left hand on his right shoulder. He took two baby steps closer to me without breaking his line of sight from my chin, and I told him the reason in a heavy hush voice.

“Look son, I know you loved my beard. I loved it too, but I could not take any chances. Next week it is bakri eid, and I had to play safe” 

 

Excuse no: 2 - FREEDOM

Long long back ago, when people used to live predominantly in the villages, and footwear was a luxury item, a wise old man once said that “if you want to find out where all a person has travelled just look under his feet” and that was true, and still holds true in many cases. On the similar lines, I’d say, that if you wanted to find out what all a man’s lips have tasted, all you need to do is check out his beard.  

Come closer and just sniff the beard, and you could make out what toothpaste was used for brushing his tooth, if he had coffee or tea in the morning, and if the sandwich that he had from Kauser Cafeteria was cheesy or spicy or both.

If you do not believe me yet, let me suggest you this test. Go to Old Delhi or Lucknow or Allahabad or any other such city in UP, and catch hold of any stray mullah walking around in the street. Chop off a part of his beard and smell it. I bet it would emanate the scent of the betel leaf masala that he regularly chews, so much that you could conclude if the mix was Banarasi or Kalkatti or whatever.

If you are an experienced paanwallah, I am sure you could just smell the beard and make out the recipe of the paan with the exact measure of each condiment of this customer’s liking. I have read somewhere, in some imaginary ancient book, that this is what exactly some of the connoisseurs in pan chewing actually do. They just go to the kiosk of their favorite paanwallah and stand there pointing their bear tips to his nose, and the paanwallah extracts all the info required. And in some extreme cases, if a person has the nose of a dog, this scent could also take him to the kiosk of the paanwallah from where this beard owner had his last chew.

Now, this is just about a betel leaf, this same thing is applicable to beer, cigarettes, hookahs and any other unmentionable thing or location where a man loves to put his lips and tongue.

I agree that it is difficult for a woman to find out if the beer or hookah was had at a pub or a friends place, and if the friend was a male or a female, but you cannot cheat a woman when it comes to the scent of a woman. I hope you understand what I mean.  

So the question, should a man risk revealing all his secrets just because of this beard that looks good on him? Or, should he not just leave his chin clean shaven and live a carefree life above all suspicion?  

This man chose the latter.

 

Excuse no: 3- FILTH

Just read this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3067622/How-filthy-beard-Study-claims-facial-hair-contain-faeces-dirty-toilet-not-experts-agree.html

After reading this article, I decided to shave off my beard.

 

The truth: MISTAKE!

As each of the above three header reads, they are nothing but excuses, just simple excuses. The real reason why I shaved off my beard is that I shaved it off by mistake. Yes, by mistake. I used the wrong number for blade adjustment and the wrong side of my new trimmer and so inadvertently shaved off my goatee, leaving a shaved patch at center of my jaw, and then I had to take this extreme step of cleaning it off.

I really feel so naked and unprotected without it.

Stroking the beard was my favorite accompanying activity during pondering and now I feel totally at loss of thoughts.

Huh! All I can do is wait for it to grow back.

So, while I am waiting, let me use this time well. Let me call the cafeteria to pack me a take away of my secret cheesy spicy sandwich that I can have on my drive to home. I can always mask its scent by chewing a sorbitol gum.  

Or, better still, should I call my friends up for a session of beer, some tequila shots perhaps followed by some hookah and Sex on the Beach. Anybody coming?

Sarhadey

Pahadon pe sarhadey kheech di aise

Jaise bacche aangan mein gharonda khel rahe ho

Aur shehron ke saath viraasat bhi baant di aise

Jaise bacche uss khayali ghar ke, kamrey baant lete ho

Yeh lo mera hua khwab-gaah aur mujhe mila Meer, Dard aur Ghalib

Yeh lo tumhara hua Majlis aur tumhe le lo Faiz, Josh aur Iqbal

Yunh khud ka kar diya hum ne batwara lakeerey laand ke

Aur phir pee liya zehar gaaddha itna, ki abb tak halak se utra nahin

Yeh kya kam tha ke phir dil mein nishtaron se daairey khured diye

Ke pair zameen par rakkho aur haat khoon se rang jaate hai

Aur inn ka kya karey jin pe koee kaboo nahin, yeh havayein, yeh baadal, yeh chand aur sitarey.

Chalo inn ka bhi kar le batwara, inn par bhi kheech le sarhadey, tabhi toh koee baat baney

Brothers – Movie Reivew

Yesterday evening I went for a Bollywood movie, but unlike how I usually do, this time I did not proclaim it through an FB status message. Maybe, because this time I was supposed to write something more about the movie, a review perhaps?

The promos told me that this was a movie about mixed martial arts, vengeance and estranged brothers fighting to win prize money. However, as I found out, it was not so.

The movie I watched was, the Akshay starrer ‘Brothers’. No, you cannot call it just an Akshay starrer; there are lots more to this movie than just Akshay. Although, he played the role of elder bro ‘David’ and rocked as usual, Siddharth Malhotra playing the younger bro ‘Monty’, who is shown entering into the fighting cage to grab his respect and make name for himself, rocked harder.

It is a men's movie, and both brothers are shown struggling with a mixed array of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to despair to vengeance and that is evident from the first shot you see of them. A mix of emotions, that reminds you of the lead character in Agneepath, although not to that extent, but somewhere around there and no doubt, enough to remind you that the director is the same guy, Karan Malhotra. The only time you see them happy and playful is when they are shown as kids. 

If the lads managed to set the screen afire with their anger and brute force, there is our good old Jackie Shroff who plays the role of their father, a strongman whom time has broken down and someone who manages to leave the screen moist and melancholy with his sadness and guilt. Then there is Pasha, played by Ashutosh Rana, who brings in the much need romance into the fighting cage with his couplets and poetic one-liners.

Albeit there are a few women in the movie, but they do not really grab your attention that much. Kareena comes in for an item number, throws a few thumkas and jhatkas, but does not manage to even give you a goose bump. Jacqueline plays the role of ‘Jenny’, that is, David’s wife and unlike the item girl; she does manage to get a few scenes to her credit. Somewhere midway the movie, there is a long flashback scene where Karan shows us how David and Jenny fell in love. It is boring. This is the time you guys must target to go for your middle-of-the-movie washroom visit. Then, there is a cute six year old girl who plays the role of David’s daughter and who herself is a fighting a war of sorts, and the main reason why he is forced to get back into street fighting.

Someone told me that this was the remake of a Hollywood movie named ‘Warrior’, but I knew that this would not be just another copy as it is, it would have its own Indian masala and Bollywood flavoring in it. My guess was right. This movie too had its own cliché bollywoody moments:

1. Men from Mumbai’s coastline are strong, they love violent sports/activities, they have a bad temperament, they drink, and they cheat, they make babies outside the home, they destroy their families and drown themselves into a cesspool of guilt.
   
   
2. A younger brother, however strong he is, he cannot beat his elder bro. He could use the vengeance he has towards his elder bro and channelize it to beat the pulp out of guys much stronger than his brother, but he never will be able to beat his elder bro.
   
   
3. Cute girls dig serious angry young men.
   
   
4. Mothers are strong people. Irrespective of all odds, they tie the whole family with an invisible chord and keep them bundled as one, and when the leave, they leave the whole world in total disarray, and all relationships fall apart.
   
   
5. No Indian man would ever enter a cage and fight his brother merely for money. Either he should have a genuine want, like money to treat someone ailing in the family or he should be a real villain, a real bad man.
   Now, Monty is not a bad man, and so he had to have a reason that is stronger than you can imagine, having this extent of vengeance for this elder brother. If you were a Bollywood movie freak, you would get the inkling well as the movie proceeds, and that is where Shefali Shah comes in. She plays the role of their mother, and what a wonderful job she has done at it.

So, unlike what the promos tell you, this movie is not about mixed martial arts, vengeance or estranged brothers fighting to win prize money. This is about a mother and her two sons. This is about family. This is about sticking together even when everything seems falling apart. This is about how callous men can be. This is about making mistakes, mistakes that are fatal. This is about making amendments for those mistakes. This is about forgiving and being forgiven for those mistakes. This is about reclaiming your family. This is about wiping your tears from the past and smiling at the future with moisty eyes.

Watch it, because, never ever has it happened that you have been moved to tears watching two men fight in a cage in a professional event.

Watch it, because as the punches are thrown and as you hear the bones crack you will feel an adrenalin rush but eventually when the hearts meet, your tears will flow, and you will start melting from the inside.