Sunday, May 19, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
All these Facebook peoples, I say.
FB is a great place to stay in touch with your friends and
relatives.
In fact, FB has become an integral part of my life, especially since
I found most of my ‘BFFs’ from my school and college days and started
socializing with them. In the last 1500 odd days since I moved on to FB from
Orkut, I have made many friends, some of whom are related to me, and some others
who are linked to my past life in some or the other way.
This is my analysis of
the 10 types of people they have ultimately become:
1.
The Dead People:
They seem to be dormant, but are
actually active, very active. They do not interact openly, they do not post
anything about themselves nor do they like or comment on your posts, but they
are reading everything. They are around; they are watching your every move. The worst is when you meet them in person;
they come up with “I see you all the time on facebook. Very active ahh?”
2.
God’s Agents:
They share religious pictures with
the instructions “Like under 10 seconds and get blessed” or “share
and experience his holiness”. Most sensible people on FB do not approve of
these, but some girls do like and share them anyway, out of fear that their
Aunt who has posted this may think that her niece is an atheist and may not help
her in finding her NRI groom.
3.
Quote Aunts
They spend their whole day searching
for quotes. Every day they share at a minimum ten quotes, most of which are not
applicable on them while dealing with their husbands, also, they do not
remember sharing these after two days, and so it repeats.
4.
The Day Spoilers
They post all the unwanted stuff and
the best you can do to yourself is ‘hide’ their posts. Some of these people
post pictures of unwell kids and ask you to like them, some post pictures of
gory accidents and missile attacks. Some others try to force their political
views up your ass.
5.
Game Worms:
Not satisfied with playing games on
their androids and ipads these guys log into FB to play games. What is worse is
that they repeatedly keep sending you invitations for games like Farmville,
Criminal Case, Train station… blah blah blah.
6.
The News Agents:
They share all sorts of weird and
sometimes obvious (like cricket scores and election results) news from here and
there and everywhere as soon as it is published on one of the news websites. Some
of the news they share is also fake.
Then they have their expert panelist
friends, who go to youtube and wiki, do their research and come up with a
comment like “Do you remember that match in 1985, at Lords. This knock reminds
me of that.”
7.
Religious Advertisers:
They are always on a mission of
promoting to the FB junta that their religion is the best, that their
scriptures have all the solutions to your problems and that their deities are
the most pious of all. Invariably all their post will share a picture about
their religion. Apart from posting these pictures, they are also most active on
their specific religious FB page.
8.
The Next Gen:
They are the ones who have more than
thousand friends on FB. They painstakingly tag each pic of theirs with as many
friends as they can. Although I would call them the next generation of FBers,
they are pretty old generation in terms of technology awareness. I say so
because their comments and posts are full of compressed words. For example, who
writes ‘avn woful tym a ma frns BP’ instead of ‘having a wonderful
time at my friend’s Birthday Party’. The only reason why they write so is
because either they are using their parent’s discarded basic mobile phone or
they do not know how to switch on the spell check feature on their system.
9.
The Hot Pie:
Anyone who has secret admirers falls
into this category. Age, race, sex do not matter. This could be a young person
who posts stylish drool worthy pictures, or could also be that
boyfriend/girlfriend you couldn’t have while you were in college. Any damn thing
that this person does is almost always liked or commented upon by you.
10.
Useless Buggers:
They are always on FB. They give an
impression that they do not have any other work in their workplace. They are
all the time chatting with someone or are busy posting waste comments on their
friend’s wall, which continues through the day, and even while at home sometimes
until very late in the night.
Some of these people even write blogs on
unimportant topics and share it on FB. And then, there are some other Useless
Buggers who spend time reading it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Chicken rolled in Lettuce
After many days, I am back
with a food blog. Which means that I was back in the kitchen; nevertheless, it
is not yet time for the bachelors party. Yes, my wife has not gone to India. My
family won’t be leaving for India till end of June this year, which means that I
am still captive, which is good, because it also means that I am still being taken
care of well.
So how did I end up in the
kitchen? Blame it on my big mouth …. errr …. blame it on my fast fingers! We were
on one of our usual familial chat sessions on whatsapp and I happened to
poke fun at her. It was a routine humble poke by a husband, not offensive at
all, but her fast fingers promptly typed “No dinner for you tonight”. In
addition, since her relatives got involved, it became a prestige issue and she
found it hard to back out. That was it! Anyways, she was kind enough. She did take
out a frozen chicken breast and leave it in the sink for thawing and left
upstairs after promptly reminding me of my diet for the day, which was limited
to fresh vegetables.
Now this is how this dish
was born, out of a piece of chicken thawing in the sink, my dietician’s instructions,
a peg of Jack Daniels, some salt, a generous load of pepper, a few pinches of spice
from the jars lying on the kitchen counter (names of which I don’t remember) and
my laziness to chop a few vegetables.
Actually, the cooking and
arranging time for this dish is only around 5-7 minutes, which means it is easy
to cook. Most of the time consumed is for thawing (around 90 odd minutes) and
marinating (around 30 odd minutes).
Cooking this dish is as
simple as Agent Oso’s project and requires just three special steps:
1. Cut the chicken breast into
small pieces and marinate it in a base made up of a peg of Jack Daniels, plenty
of pepper, some salt and some mixed Indian spices. Then, leave it in the fridge
to marinate for around 30 minutes.
2. Pan fry the chicken, which
hardly takes 2-3 minutes.
3. Roll the fried chicken in
strips of Lettuce and secured each one with a toothpick.
That’s all.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Top Five advantages of empowering your wife with a credit card and a car:
5. She will drive the kids to their extracurricular classes, take
them to the doctor/dentist as required and will even drive down to their school
and pay their fees without any delay or fine.
4. She will do all the grocery shopping and ensure that your stocks
of drink accompaniments are up to date at all times.
3. Every other day you return from work, you will find her
eyebrows neatly trimmed, face fresh just like it was out of a face pack, hands
manicured, feet pedicured and yourself floored, stunned, stumped and what not!
2. You will be able to drink as much as you want in that late
night party, because you can now rely on her for that safe drive back home.
1. She will deliver you your dabba of fresh hot and tasty
food right on your office desk just before lunchtime.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Holi me.
Our elders and our Bollywood movies have told us that Holi
is the festival of joy. That Holi breaks all the social norms and barriers of
age, gender, status and cast. That on this day, words like polite, well-mannered,
refined, cultured, sophisticated, courteous, respectful etc etc are blurred out
from the dictionary. That on this day it is acceptable to flirt with (even
touch) any girl that meets your eye. That this definition of girl extends to
include your sexy middle-aged neighbor, your friend’s curvy wife and also your boss’s
bossier wife.
Really?
I’ve just realized that all they said and showed on the
screen, all that flirting, teasing and dancing while singing ‘jo jee mein
aaye tum aaj kar lo, chaho jisey inn baahon mein bhar lo’ is not entirely
true. Look at me, I am the living example of a person who tried this and failed
on the Holi day. All that I did was poke a girl on Holi and that too not in
real life, but on FB. And, would you like to know what happened next? I got
unfriended.
Yes, yes, yes. Yes I got the boot.
I know this news comes as a shocker to you guys, but that is
the truth, and since what has happened has happened, and since life should move
on, I’d Just ask you to stop staring at the screen agape, shut your mouth and
read further.
Well, that was just one FB friend leaving, but I am
thankful to the others who stayed, and more importantly those who responded by
poking back, which felt great. Indeed, I am touched! Some of you even kept
poking back repeatedly, which kept giving me goose-bumps. Some, who thought
that liking my status message or posting a comment on it openly was not
appropriate, did send me their secret private message. Thanks for that. Now my
wife will never know who all I played Holi with! ♥
Sincerely, I am extremely grateful for the pokes, which
made my day special, especially since all this happened while I was in the
office, faking work and pretending to appear serious in the official meetings. I
had my own share of shy smiles hiding behind my computer screen. Thank you.
I have been suffering from allergy induced Asthmatic
Bronchitis from a very young age, and therefore, although my palms were ever
itching and ready to rub gulal on a few rosy cheeks, my movement on the
Holi day was strictly restricted. The only Holi that I ever played was during the
four years I spent at CREC. Rest of the years, all that I was allowed to do,
was to watch the local lads play Holi from the ramparts of my balcony and of
course watch TV as much as I could, which mostly aired Bollywood Holi numbers.
However, times have changed and thanks to technology, I have
now found new ways of amusing myself.
I am no more jealous of my friends who can actually play Holi
without falling sick.
A few pokes on FB are all that it takes to play Holi, and
the best part is that I can play it even with my distant friends.
Thanks to MS Paint, I now also have my very own Holi pic.
To make my Holi livelier, all that I had to do was to play
a raunchy youtube video on Holi while poking my friends online. Gone are the
days of Rang Barse and Aaj na chodenge, here are the top five Holi
numbers for this year from my private chart. Just move the cursor over the list and view the song on youtube and enjoy.
5. Khelenge Holi Fevicol Se
4. Bajaave Saare Launde Hai Seeti
3. Lagao Ragad Ke Gulal
2. Faad Di Meri Choli Re
1. Rang Special Layo
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The bandh that was not.
Whoever claimed that the
bandh was successful was lying.
Because….
In the city, where 30% of the remaining India resides, this was the scene:
70% of India that lives in
its villages was unaffected. Life in most Indian villages went on as usual. There
was no improvement in their lives.
In the city, where 30% of the remaining India resides, this was the scene:
Women, who are at least half
of the adult population, did not stop working. In fact, they worked overtime,
preparing tea, snacks and nibbles for their spouses and his cronies.
Senior citizens did what
they do every other day; women pretended chit chatting in their verandahs while
spying over the illicit lovebirds in their locality and men watched Fashion TV
as the Kamwali Bai was on leave.
The working class did not
stop working. They worked from home on Facebook. Some men even took a break
from Facebook and watered their neighbor’s plants.
Infants still shat in their
diapers and danced to Psy.
Kids, as usual played on
the streets.
Telemarketers still
harassed people with their strange offers, one of which included giving away
free suitcases with every Credit Card for the spouse.
News media kept bombarding
the Cell Phones with irrelevant news updates.
Single people who were
career oriented, made good use of their time viewing webinars on www.viewmynaughtywebcam.com.
Some even performed for unknown friends far away.
The shop with the red light
was bustling with activity the whole night, so much, that the CVM outside ran
out of stock and customers were asked to make their own arrangements.
The police slept.
In short, no one stopped
working. No one!
Apparently, the only people
who suffered were the College going teenagers. They had no class to bunk!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Kevin’s First Book
We shifted to
a new house on 30th November this year and two days past the
shifting with no sort of entertainment what so ever (we were yet to fix the TV
and didn’t have any internet connection too), Kevin took up to write a book. He
tore a page from my office pad and produced his first book, which also is a one
page book with the cover on one side and the story on the other.
The book is called 'Old He-Man's Family' and purchase requests of the same, including memorabilia can be made on the fake website www.He-mans'sallworld.com
Enjoy reading.
 |
| The Cover |
 |
| The Book |
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)