The Al Ghariya Incident

Brothers – Movie Reivew

Yesterday evening I went for a Bollywood movie, but unlike how I usually do, this time I did not proclaim it through an FB status message. Maybe, because this time I was supposed to write something more about the movie, a review perhaps?

The promos told me that this was a movie about mixed martial arts, vengeance and estranged brothers fighting to win prize money. However, as I found out, it was not so.

The movie I watched was, the Akshay starrer ‘Brothers’. No, you cannot call it just an Akshay starrer; there are lots more to this movie than just Akshay. Although, he played the role of elder bro ‘David’ and rocked as usual, Siddharth Malhotra playing the younger bro ‘Monty’, who is shown entering into the fighting cage to grab his respect and make name for himself, rocked harder.

It is a men's movie, and both brothers are shown struggling with a mixed array of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to despair to vengeance and that is evident from the first shot you see of them. A mix of emotions, that reminds you of the lead character in Agneepath, although not to that extent, but somewhere around there and no doubt, enough to remind you that the director is the same guy, Karan Malhotra. The only time you see them happy and playful is when they are shown as kids. 

If the lads managed to set the screen afire with their anger and brute force, there is our good old Jackie Shroff who plays the role of their father, a strongman whom time has broken down and someone who manages to leave the screen moist and melancholy with his sadness and guilt. Then there is Pasha, played by Ashutosh Rana, who brings in the much need romance into the fighting cage with his couplets and poetic one-liners.

Albeit there are a few women in the movie, but they do not really grab your attention that much. Kareena comes in for an item number, throws a few thumkas and jhatkas, but does not manage to even give you a goose bump. Jacqueline plays the role of ‘Jenny’, that is, David’s wife and unlike the item girl; she does manage to get a few scenes to her credit. Somewhere midway the movie, there is a long flashback scene where Karan shows us how David and Jenny fell in love. It is boring. This is the time you guys must target to go for your middle-of-the-movie washroom visit. Then, there is a cute six year old girl who plays the role of David’s daughter and who herself is a fighting a war of sorts, and the main reason why he is forced to get back into street fighting.

Someone told me that this was the remake of a Hollywood movie named ‘Warrior’, but I knew that this would not be just another copy as it is, it would have its own Indian masala and Bollywood flavoring in it. My guess was right. This movie too had its own cliché bollywoody moments:

1. Men from Mumbai’s coastline are strong, they love violent sports/activities, they have a bad temperament, they drink, and they cheat, they make babies outside the home, they destroy their families and drown themselves into a cesspool of guilt.
   
   
2. A younger brother, however strong he is, he cannot beat his elder bro. He could use the vengeance he has towards his elder bro and channelize it to beat the pulp out of guys much stronger than his brother, but he never will be able to beat his elder bro.
   
   
3. Cute girls dig serious angry young men.
   
   
4. Mothers are strong people. Irrespective of all odds, they tie the whole family with an invisible chord and keep them bundled as one, and when the leave, they leave the whole world in total disarray, and all relationships fall apart.
   
   
5. No Indian man would ever enter a cage and fight his brother merely for money. Either he should have a genuine want, like money to treat someone ailing in the family or he should be a real villain, a real bad man.
   Now, Monty is not a bad man, and so he had to have a reason that is stronger than you can imagine, having this extent of vengeance for this elder brother. If you were a Bollywood movie freak, you would get the inkling well as the movie proceeds, and that is where Shefali Shah comes in. She plays the role of their mother, and what a wonderful job she has done at it.

So, unlike what the promos tell you, this movie is not about mixed martial arts, vengeance or estranged brothers fighting to win prize money. This is about a mother and her two sons. This is about family. This is about sticking together even when everything seems falling apart. This is about how callous men can be. This is about making mistakes, mistakes that are fatal. This is about making amendments for those mistakes. This is about forgiving and being forgiven for those mistakes. This is about reclaiming your family. This is about wiping your tears from the past and smiling at the future with moisty eyes.

Watch it, because, never ever has it happened that you have been moved to tears watching two men fight in a cage in a professional event.

Watch it, because as the punches are thrown and as you hear the bones crack you will feel an adrenalin rush but eventually when the hearts meet, your tears will flow, and you will start melting from the inside.

On the way to School

For this Ramadan, I had decided that each week I would go out for a late night movie. The first week I had watched How old are you?, that was with my wife and kids. Last weekend I watched Bangalore Days. This weekend I waited for the movies to change, but alas, it seems that owing to their huge popularity, last week’s movies would continue this week too. In hindi, there was Humpty Sharma ki dulhaniya, but I was not too keen on that.

This weekend, after a sumptuous Iftar Party hosted by my college alumni, I was back at home, watching a late night Bhojpuri movie on DD Bihar. A movie, in which an off duty soldier takes some sort of revenge on his paternal uncle, that’s when it struck me, that last year same time around I had watched another soldier movie, The bridge over the river kwai, a 1957, Word War II classic at the Museum of Islamic Arts theater.

I quickly lunged on to my phone to check out the DFI (Doha Film Institute) app, to see what they are screening right now. They normally screen some awesome movies, some of which are even free of charge or charged as low as QR.1! The app showed two screenings, one was Amazonia, the movie about a capuchin monkey, born in captivity and now lost in the Amazon forest after a plane crash, and the other, On the way to School, a movie about four kids from different parts of the world who overcome dangerous obstacles and long journeys to attend school. Very soon, and to my dismay, I found out that, these screenings were scheduled for 10^th and 12^th July, respectively, that is last week. “Shucks!” I said, “Another case of slow updating of the app”. Frankly, I would have rather skipped the losers’ final at football world cup and watched On the way to School. But Alas!

In the moments that followed, I was on google researching about On the way to School. Frankly, I could not find much, except that there is another Turkish movie by the same name, and that, the one I was looking for is probably made in French, so now I have to find a print with English subtitles. Anyways my research had to be abandoned half way as torrent is blocked in Qatar and I would have to wait until the weekday to access it through my corporate account at work. (Now you know what I do at work! ;-P ) I could wait, but not enough, I found the movie trailer on YouTube.

Sometimes, watching the trailer is enough. It tells you whether the movie is worth or not the trouble, and this one is definitely worth it. Definitely worth taking the torrent risk!

The movie is about Jackson, Zahira, Samuel and Carlito, four children who live in four corners of the globe, that is, Kenya, Morocco, India and Argentina respectively, and all share the same desire to learn. They have understood that only education will allow them to improve their lives, and it is for this reason that, each day, they set out on highly risky journeys, through extraordinary landscapes, on their quest for knowledge. The film observes as these kids, barely 10 to 12 years in age, along with their siblings, overcome often-dangerous obstacles and enormous distances over treacherous landscapes, wild animals and even bandits on their journey to the classroom.

Here’s the link: http://youtu.be/eIsQ0B43Q9Y

Just reading about their lives, and watching a mere 90 minute clip, I was reminded of my parents and their usual rant about going to school. Their stories about they used to walk long distances to reach to the only school in the vicinity, how they struggled with their midday meal, how they suffered for they didn’t have the right books and all the blah blah. I was also pushed to think how fortunate I was. I had a proper school, a proper school bus picking and dropping me back every day, and what a fuss we kids made about it, and how fortunate my kids are, they have air-conditioned busses plying them from their doorstep to their air-conditioned classrooms, digital screens in the classes, a library, gym, swimming pool, playgrounds, canteen and what not. They have lots more than I had and I had lots more than what my parents had. Things have really improved with time, I thought.

That night, I was about to retire for the day, and as the last task logged in to my Facebook page to check for any last updates, and there it was; a close friend had posted the news of a 6 year old girl raped by two gym instructors in an international school. With that, my whole night was spoilt.

The next day, that is today, as soon as I woke up, I was on the internet trying to find out what the incident was all about. The news was all over TV. I found out that this incident had happened on 2^nd July, and despite the parents of the child having lodged a complaint on 15^th, and despite the fact that yesterday the Police Chief was in the school to talk to the protesting parents, no arrest has yet been made. Absurd! Absurd that the school failed to own up and act against the teacher who locked this little kid in a room under the pretext that she was a badly behaved child. Absurd that the school failed to own up and hand over the perpetrators to police.

Absurd and funny, especially in the light of the fact that few months back a leading journalist had molested a female colleague in lift in Goa, and despite the girl having not registered a police complaint, the molester was arrested and lodged in jail. In the aftermath, the Managing Editor of a prominent magazine had to resign from her position. The police was fast, just because some political parties had the will to push them into it.

Whilst the perpetrators of this heinous crime against a hapless 6 yr old roam freely, the school says, they are not responsible, the parents have to go on protesting for days long, they have to carry out a rally through the city, and all this time we are waiting. Waiting for the school to own it up, waiting for the law enforcement to act. All this while a little girl has to go through two medical tests and explain things to the police and other officials as if she is the culprit. Shame!

I wonder what is going on in the heads of all those school kids right now. What they think about their school? Like Jackson, Zahira, Samuel and Carlito, do they believe that School is a place where they need to go to change their life for a better, or is school a scary place that their parents send them to every day so that they behave well on the weekends, or is it some shit place that they just have to go to.

Pushes me to think, are we really fortunate to have all these facilities, these big buildings, playgrounds, libraries, these vast facilities run by emotionless morons?

Shame! Shame on our political system, shame on our law enforcement. Shame on those parents that brought up those criminals. Shame on the school that recruited them. Shame on our society that does not have a filter mechanism to drain out these kinds of people from our system. Shame!

Jism2 – My Review

Yesterday I spent the evening at a friend’s place over an Iftar gathering. We were around fifteen guys and my friend’s wife had cooked the best possible assortment of Kozikoden snacks and dinner. Starting 6:18PM (Maghrib call for prayer) till around 8:00 I hogged and hogged, so much that I couldn’t sit comfortably. The food was so good that I stuffed in the Chicken Majboos standing. I couldn’t sit. If I had, I’d have surely burst my trouser button. Needless to mention, I had to shelve my plans for watching the 9:00PM show of Jism2.

I stayed back and had a nice lazy evening chatting with my friends over two large glasses of black tea infused with some secret spices. That was the best part of the day.

I left from my friend’s place at 11:10PM. I should have driven back to my house and dozed off, but my basic instincts took control and forced me straight to the Gulf Cinema. The theatre was empty, and I didn’t have any problem getting a ticket for the 11:30 show of Jism2. That was the beginning of the worse part. What a time to spoil my otherwise wonderful day!

For me, and those few tharki (for the exact meaning look up the website http://www.urbandictionary.com ) Nepalese and North Indian brothers who came to the theatre with hungry eyes and an almost erect dong, it was a huge let down. In real terms it was a KLPD (again look up the website http://www.urbandictionary.com for the exact meaning). Even some of the songs were deleted. There were no sex scenes and no vulgarity what so ever, except for Arif Zakaria, who brought up a very horny ejaculating like expression on his face while taking an injection for his Cancer treatment.

My conclusion – Jism2 is not an ‘A’ movie.

Sunny Leone is shown playing the role of a dumb girl; needless to say she didn’t have to do any acting at all. The only thing that was missing was her blonde hair, or else at least her appearance would have been perfect. Although not mentioned explicitly, she is shown as someone who suffers from acute Asthma. I too am asthmatic and so could empathise with her condition. There is not one scene in the movie, where she is not breathing heavily or panting. She pants even when she stands still leaning against the wall. And when she does that her huge breasts go up and down, and in exact synchrony to that, in the theatre, the eyes (and some heads too) of my Nepalese brothers go up and down in a metachronal rhythm throughout the movie. At one point I even tweeted “If those melons are so heavy, why doesn’t she leave them at home”

As the movie started I thought that the dialogues were pathetic, however some of the ones said by Randeep in the latter part of the movie were really good, and poetic. However, most of them were stolen from famous poets of the likes of the great Faiz Ahmed Faiz and even from the Bible. Again, the good part is that, the dialogue writer Shagufta Rafique realized that all the other characters in this movie are utter chutes (for the third time look up the website http://www.urbandictionary.com ) and deserve to converse like retrards.

Randeep Hooda (the only saving grace, the lone star of this movie) as Kabir is excellent. I will say that this Kabir is as good as or at times even better than the Kabir played by John Abraham in Jism.  In short, this is not a movie for boys. Although it has a porn star in Sunny Leone, this movie is for women and gay men to drool on over Randeep and the other guy (if you ignore his acting and just concentrate on his physique). By the way, I don’t know the other guy’s name, and don’t intend to know either.

However, you’ll note that there’s no link between Jism and Jism2. Jism2 is not a sequel to Jism in any way. The star cast is different, the director is different and the story is miles apart. Oops sorry, did I say story? Jism2 has a plot but no story. Most of what Pooja Bhatt has shown here is bullshit and below average. But then, which porn movie has a story. Again, this is not a pure porn movie either. Effing disappointment!!

But the movie does underline the fact that love is blind, that love gets thicker with betrayal, that there is pain in love and that Sex is an integral part of love. The movie does attempt to personify a great Ghazal sung by Begum Akhter and written by Shakeel Badayuni “Aye Muhabbat tere naam pe rona aaya”, but sadly fails.

There is also another guy in the movie. I don’t know who he is, and I don’t know his name, but he a pathetic actor and reminds you of the fact that the couch system does exist in our film industry. Let us not talk about him.

I’d rate the movie 1/5. And the lone one star goes out to Randeep and all those couplets by famous Urdu poets reposted aptly by Shagufta Rafique.

So, to all the boys, if you are planning to watch Jism2 for Sunny Leone, the porn star, don’t watch it in a theatre. Don’t even waste money buying a CD. Download one of her earlier porn movies free of charge from any of the many torrent sites. That’s all her acting is worth!

If like me, you are a lover of Urdu poetry, go to www.youtube.com and listen to some nice Ghazals. There are plenty of them sung by Jagjit Singh, Mehdi Hassan, Ghulam Ali, and Begum Akhter or better still, buy a CD.

I hate the Goat King

I hate SRK. I hate that name. I hate a perfume by that name. I hate every brand that is associated with that name and I hate going to watch a movie with that name on the cast list.

My wife is a movie buff and loves this self proclaimed King, this despite his breaking her heart four times over the last four years. His movies OSO, RNBDJ, BB and MNIK were all pathetic and most disappointing for her, and I am astonished that despite all those atrocities he still continues to reside in her heart. I am sure that if I had done the same even once she’d have given me a black eye and asked me to take a walk. I hate him.

Well, I am not the only one who hates him. Alongside me stand many men and women of my generation, of which, some men hate him purely because they are jealous of his stardom. The others, like me hate him for various reasons.

For having the naivety to even dream of challenging The Big B. How could he even think of it? And when he fell down flat on his face with a dhobi pachad, what does he do? To prove that he is bigger, he runs to some nondescript town in Malaysia and buys himself some Knighthood. Shame. Shame.

For he is my Bhaijaan’s enemy; and he is responsible for sowing the initial seeds of rift between Bhaijaan and our ‘would have been Bhabijaans’. Because of him, to this day my Bhaijaan remains a bachelor. Sob sob.

For making fun of South Indian movies and southies in general with his rubbish ‘chatti patti’ dialogue in OSO.

For making a goat look bad on the movie screen.

For all those times that my sisters, (girl)friends and now wife drooled (and continue to drool) over him shamelessly every time that he appeared (and appears) on TV, starting from his Fauji days.

For doing whatever he did to The Dada of Indian Cricket.

For all those evenings that I fought with my wife after she hijacked the TV remote to watch recordings of his cheap comics as he played host to one of those petty cine awards nights.

For redefining the way the business of Cricket and Cinema is run in India and for showing to the masses that one can make profits even after coming last in a cricket tournament and by producing an utterly senseless movie.

For proving again and again and again that the masses are nothing but cattle, which can be directed to any direction that ‘he’ desires.

For all his friends who make worthless goods and who believe that they can sell that crap by just putting his picture over it.

For becoming the epitome of a ‘self made man’ and for reaching such dizzying heights that even my best friends are compelled to look up to him as their idol.

For trying to make inroads into my son’s heart with his marketing gimmicks and youtube promos.

And of late, for conniving with my wife and trying to convince me through my seven year old lad that his latest flick, the one on a computer game gone awry is indeed a movie worth a watch.

Yes, I hate this man. In fact, like most of my friends, I love to hate this man. So much that I am compelled to kick my lazy bum to go and watch Ra.One in the theatre; this after making myself cognizant of the fact that this is one movie which has received some of the worst reviews of all times.

Come Saturday, and I am taking my family to the City Centre Multiplex, and there, I plan to put my son through the ultimate test, which will decide whether he is different or just like all other Indians, one of the herd. He will have to choose between Ra.One, Real Steel, Lion King and Johnny English. My son loves heavy transformer like robots, cartoon movies and even Rowan Atkinson, and so I expect that he would not choose to watch Ra.One. But, even in the worst case if he does so, I’d have no regrets. For one, I know the Goat King would only end up breaking Tara’s heart for the fifth time, and in such a circumstance I’d be just more then eager to offer her a shoulder to cry. Secondly I’d be going in with a mind set to watch an ‘F’ grade movie. And either case it’d be a win-win for me. If the movie is bad, I’d have proved my point. If it turns out to be good, I‘d have had a good time. J

But whatever, in the end, I see only one winner, SRK.  

And that’s why I hate him so much. Because, even if you don’t love him, you cannot ignore him, you’ll still love to hate him. And that’s what he wants and gets; just your attention.

And the money? Forget it; that he knows how to make.

Synopsis of an ‘F’ grade movie

Thursday morning I was late to report for work. The reason – The preceding night till well beyond the wee hours of morning, I and my wife missed sleep to ROFLOFAO watching an ‘F’ grade movie.

I am sure most of my friends know what ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’ grade movies are. However, in case you don’t know, here’s some totally faltoo gyan:

·      It is an ‘A’ grade movie if it has a red and bold ‘A’ printed on the poster. And now, if you are thinking “It is obvious, what’s the freaking gyan in this?”; think again. These are rare and priceless movies, and believe me you will hardly find a genuine ‘A’ movie in your local store. They are hard to find because they are patented by a few enterprising mallu men, who took the pains to shoot it around and over the many hills and valleys of Kerala’s most loved landscape, Shakeelachechi. As per the prevailing movie making laws, a movie is not an ‘A’ movie if it doesn’t have a Shakeelachechi scene. Sadly, it has been many years now since they stopped making ‘A’ movies; this disruption because Shakeelachechi stopped acting err, displaying. Shakeelachechi had to stop acting err (again!), displaying since some environmentalists objected to her long kuli scenes, which supposedly had caused water scarcity in Kochi and its neighbourhood districts. Some alavaladi skinny mallu girls did try hard to replicate her act and hijack her position, but alas! They all fell flat on their chests! Such was the grace of Shakeelachechi. Shakeelachechi is not just hot, she is super hot. There’s an old saying in Kerala that “When Shakeelachechi takes a dip in the kolam (pond), it turns into a geyser”. She is so hot that I am already experiencing the onset of an orgasm by merely typing her name.

Shakeelachechi, Shakeelachechi, Shakeelachechi ………. aarrrghhhh, I need a break. And while I enjoy my break, you guys go ahead and enjoy the pics.

*** BREAK ***

*** BREAK OVER***

*** Ahhhhh! My body hurts. That was a lot of rolling-on-the-floor last night! I am really tired and not in a mood for anything else. But for the sake of dissipating gyan, I will continue***

·     ‘B’ grade movies are those totally ‘Bekaar’ movies made with the sole interest of gifting a livelihood to the bekaar kids and siblings of famous ex-film stars and/or media barons. In short, if you are jobless and you have a filthy rich dad or a media powerhouse in your household, you can always coax that person or your mom into coaxing that person to invest in making you your very own ‘B’ grade movie. The good thing about making ‘B’ grade movies is that nobody really cares as to when it released or how it performed in the box office … etc etc… so if you fail, you can always start again with a new ‘B’ movie… and go on and on and on. With every movie you do, you are a fresh new face on the block.


      Some of the famous ‘B’ grade aspirants are Kishen K, Harman B, Uday C, Baby AB, Sallubhai’s brothers and the two Khanna sisters. The two sisters are so so ‘B’ grade that if you typed their name on google and clicked ‘images’, it would return pictures of their mom! Anyways, these are mere aspirants. 


     The real star of ‘B’ movies is a certain guy called Tusshhaar K, who stands up to his reputation as a ‘B’ star and keeps comes back again and again and again.

·       ‘C’ grade movies or the ‘Chootiya banao, paise kamao’ movies are purely patented movies. Patents for directing these movies are solely guarded and held by just two guys namely Karan J and Farah K.

·      Finally we have the ‘F’ movie. An ‘F’ grade move is ‘Fully Faltoo’ movie in its own right and by far (as per my opinion) also the most entertaining one of all. Here ‘F’ stands for that effing four letter word which does not end with a ‘k’. ‘F’ is the acronym for fail, Yes, F-A-I-L fail. Men, or Lukkhas as we like to lovingly call them, who act in prominent roles in an ‘F’ movie otherwise do odd jobs like selling Bhel Puri at Mumbai Chowpatty or those five for twenty five Bras over the Andheri Foot Bridge. Unlike the ‘B’ grade stars, these guys are self made losers. Although there are some exceptions, female co-stars usually, come from and go back to their dancing bars.

The biggest Bollywood ‘F’ movie star of our times is the great KRK. This guy wears a toy gun on his neck and thinks that he is actually an underworld don. The greatest Tollywood ‘F’ superstar is a guy called Sam Anderson. Mallu’s are not far behind either. Very soon you guys will hear about a certain guy called Santosh Pundit; man in reckoning to be crowned the first ever ‘F’ superstar from mollywood and I am eagerly waiting for his first/mega and possibly only release ‘Krishnanum Radhayum’. These guys are great entertainers I say. You must check out their videos on youtube.

Enough of gyan, let’s go back to the main topic. The movie!

Here’s the story in concise. I hope you’ll all like it and if you do, do buy an original CD. It is available on Moser Baer. We should at least do this much to keep these talents alive.

ISHQ AUR INTEQAAM (LOVE AND REVENGE)

The story revolves around Goan Christians (I am sure they are all Goans, because they all keep muttering ‘Oh my God, Oh my God’) and primarily three friends, Simon (Played by a real life mumbaiya lukkha who has this funny smile on his face, which makes you feel like he is farting all the time or like he has a lump of shit already in his pants), Michael (played by our very own Thakti Kapoor), Prince (Played by a local Bihari lukkha, who with words like desejan (decision), exiden (accident) and pojijun (position) adds in a bhojpuri flavour to that typical bollywoodish goan hinglish) and a girl named Pretty (played by Amita Nangia). The film is directed by a guy named Sunil Kumar, and that reminds me of a pukka alavaladi (Utterly Useless Fellow) from our college days; A guy who once saw Sakshat Brahma (the creator) in his real form! This movie was made in 1993 (my prime) and is classified into the genre: Mature/Obscure. What the heck is that?

Simon and Pretty are in love and Pretty’s dad (played by Kishan Dhawan) is an ailing man who would die any moment. Pretty is this typical bollywood-goan girl who wears skimpy dresses, prays to Jesus and wears a big cross on her neck. The cross is so big that half of it is parked inside her cleavage. Since these guys are rich, while at home Pretty’s dad is always shown dressed in silk pyjamas with a  silk night robe over it (and yes, don’t forget that big cross on his neck), while Pretty keeping in line with the bollywood-goan tradition wears only a skimpy negligee with nothing underneath. Since Pretty’s dad is likely to die any day, dad calls up Simon and without seeking their desire, fixes their wedding for the coming Sunday. Simon is surprised; Pretty is ecstatic and she starts rubbing her legs and twitching her lips.

Simon calls up his best buddies, Michael (Who is a fultoo drunkard) and Prince and invites them for the wedding. Prince who is in Delhi, promises to come down at any cost by the next flight. As the call ends, the scene shifts to a butcher shop, where they show a head butcher (played by Raza Murad) chewing pan with a disdainful look on his face as his half naked body builder assistant, chops mutton with a programmed frequency that could put most machines to shame. For a moment, you contemplate that the head butcher is possibly plotting to rape the next female customer visiting his shop, but the scene changes and you wonder WTF is happening? Don’t worry. Just hold on and you’ll know as the story unfolds itself.

Simon and Pretty tie the knot, and outside church they are greeted by Michael, who is almost always over 90% drunk and carries a full bottle of MCD in the inner pocket of his coat. There are two things about Michael that you’ll never miss noticing; firstly that he is always cheek-by-jowl with a girlfriend whom he keeps changing with every scene and secondly, that he never greets anyone with a ‘Good Morning’. For Michael, be it daytime or night, it is always a ‘Good Night’. However, there’s a sad story attached to these two traits, which you’ll find out later.

As Simon and Michael exchange greetings, the camera moves to Prince, their Bihari adulterated Goan-Christian friend who is standing next to them, but avoids all contact as he hides his face behind a bouquet of flowers. Incidentally, Prince has just found out that Pretty was the girl whom he dated while in college. Pretty, who is a good girl had dumped Prince once she found out that he had some connections with bad people. As Prince visualises his past, his blood boils and he turns into a man full of vengeance.

As Simon and Pretty drive away in their ‘Newly Married’ convertible, Prince drives down to the butcher shop and mutters some censored gibberish to the Head Butcher. Now, if you are thinking that Prince is here to buy mutton, then you are mistaken; he has a horrendous scheme on his mind.

The scene shifts to the newly weds bedroom which has S-E-X written all over it. A steamy act of copulation follows which is interrupted by a phone call. Simon who is over Pretty, multi tasks with gyrating hip movements while talking seriously on the phone. Pretty who is on the threshold of visualising brahma screams and shakes her head vigorously as her hands try desperately to tear off the bed sheet.  Just-In-Time, Simon jumps off a visually perturbed Pretty, who seems to be saying “WTF?” to Simon in her mind. Simon gets up and hastily dresses and tells his new bride that he has to go to the hospital as his friend Prince, who was arriving by flight for their wedding, has just met with an accident. (Note the emphasis on ‘flight’). Pretty responds back asking “Magar?” (“But?”). It’s just a one word question but says a lot. She is actually telling him “Bloody MF, first finish the job that you were doing and then go where ever you want!” As Simon leaves the place in his bike, they show a smiling Prince, who from the adjacent building has been monitoring the first night proceedings through his binoculars.

Simon is attacked by goons on his way to the hospital, but he manages to escape unhurt. As he nears the hospital, he is shot from behind by the Head Butcher, who later calls up Prince and informs him that the task has been accomplished. Prince celebrates the event with a drink. As he sips his drink, Michael, along with his new paramour drops in. Michael enquires as to why Prince did not attend the wedding and also the reason for Prince’s celebration; but Prince says nothing. Michael however ends up telling his story of how he became a drunkard and as to why he keeps changing girls every other day and hates greeting ‘Good Morning’. Incidentally Michael was in love with a girl, whom he could only meet in the morning and as they met, the girl would greet him ‘Good Morning’. Actually this girl was prostitute, and poor Michael didn’t know about it. One night Michael sneaks into his girlfriend’s house and finds her with a customer.  Later that night Michael ends up at Tuntun Aunty’s Feni bar and dances to a song with lyrics like “Apun kamal karega…. kale kutte se pyar karega…” From that day Michael is a changed man. I was touched!

Scene shifts to the steamy bedroom where Simon abandoned a visibly desperate Pretty, whose desire was left unquenched. Pretty tries to douse her inner fire by gulping down a bottle of chilled water, but alas, it goes in vain. She can’t control herself and she cringes in pain. (If you are a potent man watching this scene, I bet, you’ll almost get up from your seat and try to crash into the screen to help this poor girl. But I’ll suggest you to wait a moment and control yourself) The phone rings and delivers the obvious news to Pretty.

Pretty runs out of her bedroom in a negligee and appears in the hospital in a gown. If you’ve imagined that Simon is dead by now, you are mistaken. Simon is very much alive. But, there’s a sad news. The doctor (who in real life looks like the guy who sells peanuts at Juhu Chowpaty) informs Pretty that Simon was hit by a bullet on his spinal cord. (At this point, you’ll start imagining that possibly Simon is paralysed and bedridden for life. Just wait and listen to the fantastic revelation!) The doctor looks at the x-ray and informs Pretty that since Simon has been hit by a bullet on the spinal cord, he has lost his erection ability!! Prince visits Simon at the hospital, and is formally introduced to Pretty and the movie leads to a new angle.

Simon is discharged from the hospital and once back home immediately embarks upon his unfinished task. He does well with the foreplay and also dreams of a steamy saree (with no undergarments and no yes, no underskirt too) song performing intimate dance moves in the rain on a parked motorbike. Alas, our director’s effort to ignite passion goes in vain as Simon doesn’t last beyond the foreplay. He collapses and apologises. Pretty’s thirst remains unquenched and her fort remains unconquered. Prince, who monitors the act through his binoculars, gives out a sly smile.

Next day as Simon leaves for work, Prince calls up Pretty and offers his services, but Pretty, who is a good wife declines. Simon meets Prince and informs about his disability. Prince offers his advice to Simon “Har marz ki dawa, daroo” (“The remedy to all ailments, Liquor”). Simon takes his advices and reports back home fully drunk. Simon again lunges on to Pretty and tries to perform, but alas. At this point Pretty displaying her huge cleavage (minus the cross) in a horny tone asks Simon “Bhook lagi hai kya? Kya khaoge?” (“Are you hungry? What would you like to”) Simon looks into the cleavage and replies “Nahin main thak gaya hoon. abb bhook nain” (“I am tired. I have no more hunger”) What a class act!

Next day Simon hastily leaves for work, leaving the main door ajar. Pretty forgets to latch the door and leaves to take bath. Prince gets in, latches the door and tries to seduce a half naked Pretty. In the ensuing struggle, Prince’s version of foreplay meets success and it manages to rekindle the pyre in Pretty. They are about to enter into the next stage of the act and you are taken wide eyed and pulled close to the screen and now on the edge of your seat grabbing the chair cushion with great expectation as the bell rings. Shucks! It’s Simon, who has forgotten his red file. Prince jumps off the window and runs away as the watchman witnesses the escape. Back in the room, our poor lady Pretty, whose passion has been ignited for the third time now, tries hard to seduce Simon. But Simon who has to rush to work, pushes Pretty down on the bed and runs down the stairs. As Simon leaves the compound on his bike, the watchman informs Simon about Prince’s great escape.

Next day again as Simon leaves for work, Prince revisits Pretty and tries his hands on her. Incidentally Simon comes back and is about to knock the main door when he overhears the ongoing struggle between Prince and Pretty in the bedroom. He realizes that his wife is innocent and tries to break the door. Again Prince jumps off the window and runs away. Simon follows Prince; possibly he wants to talk this out with Prince and enter into an arrangement and so shouts “Prince, mat bhago, ruko Prince ruko. Mujhe tumse kuch kehna hai” (“Prince, don’t run away, wait Prince wait, I have something to tell you”), but Prince who is scared of a confrontation steals a parked jeep convertible and drives away. Simon follows him on his bike. A long chase ensues, which takes the viewer along the length and breadth of the Mumbai’s Western Express Highway. Finally, Prince’s car hits a truck and he dies instantly. Next minute, Simon’s bike hits Prince’s car and he is ejected off the bike, performs a summersault and lands on his but on the protruding rocks along the road which seems to have been created specially for the event. Thankfully, Simon survives and is taken to the hospital.

At home, a visibly tense Pretty receives a call and she says “Oh my God” for the last time and leaves for the hospital. At the hospital, the same doctor looks again at an x-ray and informs Pretty that a miracle has occurred! Since Simon landed oh his bum with the rock hitting the same point on the Spinal Cord where he was earlier hit by a bullet, he has been miraculously cured of his erectile dysfunction. Pretty is ecstatic and expresses the same emotion as she had when her dad fixed her marriage. The doctor gives some censored instructions to Pretty, which she wilfully agrees to perform.

Few days later Simon is released from the hospital and Pretty gets on to implement the doctor’s instructions. Pretty starts seducing Simon and catches him unawares with her sexy lingerie song. Simon, who has actually lost all hope of experiencing stiffness, lethargically joins in. As instructed by the doctor, Pretty implants her foreplay moves one after the other and Simon finally gives out that dirty look, which it intended to send out the message that “Man, I have an erection”. In a fit of rage, he jumps on over Pretty, who is by now panting heavily. The accident was truly a miracle, because Simon, who in a span of two weeks has had two surgeries on his Spinal Cord performs with the finesse of a porn star. Pretty clutches Simon’s palm and vigorously  turns it in all the possible directions; her nostrils flare and she finally visualizes the creator; Shakshat Brahma.

The movie ends.

Although, I may not watch it again, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. Definitely better than OSO or TMK, for one this one is a rare movie; it has a real CLIMAX in the end. I do have my reservations on its name though. Instead of ‘Ishq aur Inteqaam’, I think ‘Woh adhuri Pyas’ (The unquenched thirst) would have been an apt title. Any suggestions?