Air Kerala

The other day I overheard some mallu lads in our local cafeteria talking very excitedly about something called Air Kerala. For once I thought they were mocking at me, for I had just passed wind after my sumptuous dinner comprising of Kerala Style Beef Fry and Parottas, but later found out that they were just discussing about this new airline that would belong to God’s Own Country.

Wow! We had the KSRTC wreaking havoc on the roads and the SWTD dodging houseboats, now we’ll also have Air Kerala to die for! Whoa! That’s some news!

 

The Cafeteria owner Shamsukka was really excited and thanked Allahu that now he wouldn’t have to travel on that wretched Air India Express in which the toilets don’t have even a mug, the food is awful and the Air Crew doesn’t speak Malayalam. But I had to intervene and kill his excitement by promptly informing him that none of us mallus would be travelling by Air Kerala as it wouldn’t be a budget airline. Initially he didn’t believe me, but later accepted my declaration as he felt that I was more knowledgeable than him as I wore a tie and preferred to drink bottled mineral water instead of what he served for free in that typical cafeteria red jug with white top.

Yes, just like our most gelf airlines Air Kerala too would be a five star airline but, with a difference. Here are five specific features that you could expect once on board:

 

1.    Welcome Drink

As soon as you get in expect to be served a large complementary flask full of spicy Sambharam if you are in the Business Class. For the Economy Class expect a plastic glassful of warm Karingali Vellam.

 

2.    That homely feeling

Mallus don’t like Air Conditioners, and therefore this airline would not have any air conditioning at all, isn’t that exciting? Each one of us will be provided with a tiny portable fan that’d let out a squeaking sound reminding us of your very own fan at home.

And then, as soon as you finish drinking your Welcome Drink, the crew will come by distributing free lungis to men and frilled nighties to women. Change into those and relax, just like you’d do in the porch of your house. What’s more, these are complementary! So you get to take these along with you to your homes, and maybe if you are generous, you could also gift it to one of you lesser fortunate relatives back home. Imagine how proud that aunt of yours would feel when she goes to drop her kid to the school with this Air Kerala nightie on!

Yes, the washroom will have a mug and the tap will never run out of water. As a rule, there will be no tissue napkins; everyone will be allowed to bring their own Torthu.  And there, on the top shelf in the washroom you’ll also find sufficient supplies of your favourite Ayurvedic soap, Herbal Fairness Cream and Coconut Hair Oil.

 

3.    The Food

Unlike the other airlines that burdened your heart with the guilt of snitching off on board cutlery, this one will let you leave with a clean heart. They’d provide no cutlery at all!

Economy Class passengers would be served limited but, Authentic Kerala Style Oonu on a Banana leaf. Like every authentic mallu Oonu, this one will also come with an option; Thani Nadans could go for the mota (boiled) rice version, whilst the Fraud Mallus could go for the bareek (regular) rice version. Kids will be served Puttu, Pazham and Pappadams. If you are travelling Business Class, you’ll get the unlimited version with two extra glasses of Ada payasam and have the additional options of Kozikodden Biryani and the Kappa Meen Curry.

Yes, there’d be an inflight toddy shop too, serving day before yesterday’s pulichha toddy minus the flies.

 

4.    The Staff

Imagine nubile buxom lasses in set mundu strutting down the aisle swaying their pompous posterior and in the process shaking the whole aircraft as they attend to their very demanding customers. Imagine you are sitting on the aisle, and one of them stops by next to you, bending down just enough that her knockers are just an inch away from your nose, and she pouts her lips just to enquire in pure Malayalam “Chetta, is everything okay?” or “Can I get you something, Chetta?” What else could you ask for?

Imagine your safety instructions being enacted out in pure kalari style by a purebred mallu lad dressed only in a mundu and nothing else. 

 

5.    Inflight entertainment

Everyone will be entertained.

Each seat will have its own LCD screen on which kids will be able to watch the adventures of Tintumon and Jeeboomba. Women could watch one of the many channels showing yesterday’s TV serials Kumkumapuvu, Streedhanam, Amma etc etc whatever they want. And for men who were not done enough with vayanokafying the Airhostesses, could switch on to the day’s screening of one of Shakeelachechi’s evergreen movie.

If you are the reading type, just fish into the airline seat pocket and you’d find copies of Nana, Mangalam, Manorama and what not. 

Yes for any mallu, Air Kerala would be the airline to fly. And I hope that one day I’d be able to fly on one of its route and that it doesn’t fizzle off like our other very famous mallu brand ‘Kochi Tuskers Kerala’

I am sure, one day I will fly the Air Kerala that is, if the pilots have not gone on hartal… that is……if….