iDiot on iPad.

Jay had just come back from a hectic workshop conducted to turnaround one of the troubled projects that he was working on. He entered his office cubicle, dumped his register, lazily walked to the kitchen and started to make himself a cup of tea. As he stood there for the water to boil, he stretched out his arms wide, and let out a groan. He was tired and frustrated.

He was frustrated on his Chinese Contractor’s engineers who would just nod their heads and reply “Yes Yes” to every instruction that he passed on, and yet in the end keep doing all the best that was in their hand to procrastinate work on some or the other pretext. He was frustrated on his Boss, a sexaholic  sexagenarian, who although present in the workshop, shied away from taking any decision at all, and rather spent all his time focussed on his latest obsession of playing Angry Birds on his IPad while intermittently checking on the playboy website.

Jay was tired. He hadn’t had a wink of sleep last night. He had worked the whole night developing a detailed proposal, which would turnaround this project, however his Boss did not bother to pay attention to it, and his Contractor, who although seemed to pay attention and agreed to all his suggestions, which was merely out of hierarchical respect, did not seem to grasp anything.

Jay walked out of the kitchen with a cup of tea in his right hand while massaging his eyes with a small bottle of chilled water with his left. Back in his cubicle, he dumped those on his table and slouched on to his revolving chair, kicking it sideways. He was done for the day. After twenty years of working on projects all over the world and in multicultural work environments, he was now beginning to feel the heat. All he wanted to do was to pack his laptop and head home, where he could do something worthwhile, like having a drink or sleeping or playing with his kids. Sadly, it was just 4:00PM, and a hour of office time had to be, but endured. He was in no mood to do any further work, and so shut off all his work related files and logged on to his favourite socializing website, FB. Little did he know that entertainment was waiting his way.

No sooner did he log on to FB, a little chat window appeared on the bottom of his screen. It was a message from Lolo. Lolo is a thirteen year old girl suffering from the pangs of preadolescence. Lolo is Jay’s distant relative.  She resides in a small town in India, some 3500kms away from where Jay is currently based. Her father Cello, who is also Jay’s second cousin, makes millions trading in the Spices Exchange. Needless to mention, she is a rich daughter, and like all girls of that age and background she thinks big, likes sporty cars, older men, dark chocolate and is in love with her iPad, which she loves to flaunt and talk about. She attends high school, and for her age she is pretty tall, which has conned her to believe that she can aspire to become a model. She is a simple girl with little dreams. Her plans are to become a supermodel at the age of sixteen and win the Miss World crown by nineteen. She would then like to act in Bollywood movies, and yes, when she does that, she’d be very choosy about the script, her co-actors and would not do any revealing scenes unless the script absolutely demands it. She is also possibly the biggest fan of a certain mallu film star called Prithvirajappan.  Well, if we base on the last chat that Jay had with Lolo on FB, Lolo was unable to decide whom she likes more, whether if it was Prithvirajappan or SRK or Justin Beiber. Anyways, this is how their chat went about:

Lolo:   Hai lng tym no c?

Jay:     Hi! How are you? Didn’t see you around for a long time now. Everything okay?

Lolo:   Yea lng tym. Ma Comps dead. Nt on lyn. Cudnt tlk. Coz me stk wid ma stupid ipad.

Jay:     Why so? Did you not get a sim card for your IPad?

Lolo:   Wht. Rly? U cnt hve a sim 4 IPad

Jay:     Tell me which version are you using?

Lolo:   Androids

Jay:     Really?

Lolo:   Yea

Jay:     I am using the latest one. It has got a slot for sim card and an SLR camera option as well.

Lolo:   u crious?

Jay:     Pretty serious. Hmmm….. let me guess, you must be using the Indian version right? Where did you buy it from?

Lolo:   Chyn

Jay:     You mean China?

Lolo:   Yea

Jay:     Then it must not be an iPad. Must be some duplicate stuff. I must say these Chinese guys are very good at making fakes.

Lolo:   Hey, its ipad.

Jay:     Really? Who brought it?

Lolo:   ma dads frnd

Jay:     Oh no! And how much did he pay for it?

Lolo:   dunno lyk myb lots

            me tnk 4000

Jay:     You said 4000 rupees?

Lolo:   Yea

Jay:     Oh my God. I got mine for $1500. That’s around 75000 rupees. You got cheated girl. Is it an iPad or iPod. I think yours must be an iPod.

Lolo:   ipad ipad ipad

Jay:     Check the box. What does it say? iPad or iPod

Jay waits for a reply from Lolo and goes on to sip his tea while checking his wall on FB. After some ten odd minutes they commence the chatting.

Lolo:   I chkd. It ipad

Jay:     Poor girl. I can only sympathise with you.

       Tell me, does your iPad have a big screen that’s like half the size of the your computer screen? Does it?

Lolo:   yea

Jay:     Then it must be something like an iPad. But I am sure it’s fake.

            Tell me, what all can your iPad do?

Lolo:   all that urs cn do n mor

Jay:     Does yours have mirror option?

Lolo:   whts dat?

Jay:     It’s called the iMirror app. When I run that app my iPad screen becomes like a mirror and I can actually see my reflection in it. It’s cool. A must for women I must say.

            Doesn’t yours have it?

Lolo:   Yea, me hv it 2

Jay:     Great. Did you download the 3D app

Lolo:   wat?

Jay:     Well, with the 3D app you can convert any movie into a 3D movie. It’s a special technology called image overlaying. All you require is 3D glasses and you have a 3D movie. I even have an iProjector.

Lolo:   wat dat?

Jay:     Well, it’s a projector which you have to just connect to your original iPad and it would project the image on to a wall or a screen. The real movie experience you see! And the great thing is that I can even project 3D images from it. HD quality.

Lolo:   Uh?

Jay:     Actually, since mine is connected to the net through a sim card, I have booked myself for the premier show of Ra.1 on netflix and will be watching 3D of it on the release date.

Lolo:   I thnk, gt sum wrk. Gt to go.

Jay:     Okay. Is your dad back from work already?

Lolo:   nop bad trfic cums late

Jay:     Oh that reminds me of an incident that took place few days back.

Lolo:   wat?

Jay:     The other day, I was with my friend in his big GMC and we were stuck in traffic. You know what he did?

Lolo:   wat?

Jay:     He took out his iPad, fixed the iWings and converted it into an iHelicopter. He then opened the sunroof and sent it out, controlling it with his iRemote. The iPad flew over traffic and took videos, which he then emailed to the Traffic Authority’s website. In no time the police came and cleared the traffic.

            Your dad could do something like that.

            But then, you guys are stuck on that fake Chinese thing. Shucks.

Lolo:   me no blv dis. u lyin

Jay:     Ahh! Why should I lie? Cmon!

Lolo:   u lier….. stop it.

Jay:    Do you know, that I use mine to even monitor my Blood Pressure and Sugar levels.

           There’s a small gadget that we’ve just got to tie on our thigh. It’s called iMonitor and it gives out accurate readings of my Blood Pressure and Blood Sugar too, without drawing any blood.

Lolo:   really?

Jay:    In fact, the one that I’ve brought is a bit advanced. It came with the iLoo attachment, which can with an accuracy of one minute tell me as to when I’d feel like going to pee or potty. And my iPad would further give me the exact co-ordinates of the nearest loo. Isn’t that great?

           Once a week it would also tell me the quantity I’d shit and the amount of water I’d require to flush it.

Lolo:   eek yukk! U filthy … chee…

Jay:     If you don’t have the real iPad, ask your Dad to get one.

Lolo:   ma ipad s real

Jay:     Doesn’t look like. Did you get it from a Stationery Shop?

Lolo:   Yea

Jay:     I got mine from a Computer Shop. I think you should do that too.

Lolo:   ma ipad is real

Jay:     Oh c’mon. I think your Dad got you a digital scribbling pad and fooled you.

            You know, my iPad is so so fast that it has come with extra rubber on the bottom.

Lolo:   shut up nw bcos u lyin

            dis is too mch criously

            u filthy fella

            i no u gt no ipad and i no need ur adv

            me going

Lolo went offline with a heavy head and enough tensions that could spoil the remainder of her week. She logged off after typing her range of expletives, swearing for the nth time that she would never ever again chat with this man.

Jay checked his watch with a naughty smile on his face. It was 5:00PM and he had just accomplished what he wanted. He was light again. He packed his bag and left for home. As he drove back home humming on to his favourite song, he hoped his little friend had learnt her lesson: “Never argue with idiots; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience”